there's so much more stuff that is so much more important. and so much harder to write about...

i'm not sure where to start. i guess..my mom cut me off. and it hurts alot more than i could have imagined. she refuses to talk to me because she took away my cell phone. all i now recieve from her is one lined e-mails with matter-of-fact questions, like should she compleltey kill my cell phone service? no formalities, no hi's, and definetly no 'love yous'.

she also told me that taking a "chance on me" was a mistake, and that she regrets it.

god damn. that fucking burned.

not to say i didn't or don't deserve it.

now, you're probably wondering what i did to deserve all this? That's probably what i should have started off with..insead of focusing on what she did to me. how very.."jenn" of me.

anyways. i'm just going to straight up admit it. I have a shopping/money spending problem. I truley believe that I do. acutally, i know i do. i think it developed this summer. anyways, my mom gave me her credit card to use for "emergencies only" and gas money.

well, next thing i knew...one day having a coffee became an emergency. then, my groceries were an emergency. it just escalated so fast. to pretty much every shirt and pair of pants and every whim i had, was being swiped on my mom's card with no fore-thought and i twinge of guild. and maybe a quick slip of "i know that i shouldn't..." but not enough to stop me. and before i knew it or know it i probably spent well over 2,000 dollars in the last 3 months. i know the numbers and money are crazy, and i know expecting my mom to not notice was crazy...but it all happened. and she finally got the credit card bill-- and using her card is something i was previously warned about, only a month prior to this.

i don't know what to say. i got careless and i spun out of control. it's all pretty simple, really. she doesn't understand how i could be so selfish and dis-repect her like that. and i can't really either. i guess in the end-- i didn't really think that it was hurting her. she doesn't need the money. she informed me that i was stealing from my own family. but i honestly had never saw or thought of it that way. ( as i feel the need to helpless defend myself. not to you but to me...or maybe a bit of both.)and when i realized what she said was true, i was shocked, scared, and most of all disgusted.

how did i become this fucking person? When and between what did having matierel objects become important enough to hurt the ones i love most? I mean..i would never fathom or imagine stealing from my friends or anything like that.

and i just. it never seemed like that to me. i in all honestly never saw this as a big deal, because my rationilization was that the money wasn't really needed . And I guess that's the problem. I never realized i was hurting her, and had i known i was, and that this would have ended up in so much pain and feelings of dis-respect..it wouldn't have happend. i wish i gave it more than a 2-second thought. more than worrying about getting in trouble, but maybe taking time to reflect that this may or may not effect my parents..that they may feel betrayed and hurt. that they did and they do . Hurt enough to want to retract everything they've given me, including college... to think that they gave me what i needed, and oh so much more, and i would steal from them?

i am disgusting.

i had no mal-intentions. only selfish ones...

gah. i'm so fucked up i can't stand by myself.

and it's not so much she's taking away what she's given me. i can understand that. i even like it because i feel as if i deserve it.

i just wish she would talk to me...