It's not just the trance. I can't help but stop in Sanrio every time I pass it in the mall. Not only stop by it, but look to see what kind of Badtz Maru things they have. Not just look at it, but consider buying something for him. And i can't help but think of how he use to always make me laugh and talk about how sanrio was racist. Racist, because it had this whole store devoted to Hello Kitty, who is white. And then in the corner way in the back, you'd fine a couple Badtz Maru things. Badtz Maru, the one Sanrio character that's black. (because he's a penguin). And I can't help but buy Boba Tea, and enjoy every second of it. But its just not the same drinking it bymself. (or with people who won't try it..they dun understand. so yummy..) Or even...the way he used to say "alway" instead of "always." And somehow it made the word so endearing yet lighthearted at the same time. or he would add the little bit of ghetto into this very white girl. He would get me to say "Oh shit" in a deep voice and cover my mouth all gangsta like, and say "modafucka." and just yell it. And we'd laugh, just at the sight of me trying in any way to be gangsta, or a hard ass or anything of the like. Or getting a Mocha Frappicino at Starbucks, and how he could never remeber the name of it, so I'd order and he's just say "me too." The way he'd always say "i forgot" when he didn't really forget at all...or they way he would affectionaly call me "barries" and I'd call him "choco." Most of all I miss...

I miss the way he made me laugh. more than that? I miss him. I just miss him.

But in hte last few days he's made it kind of apparent he doesn't want to talk to me. Won't answer my calls, or call me back when i leave a message. Signs off Aim or blocks me (im not sure which) the second i IM him. And it just hurts. I think he might be mad because I didn't see him last time i came home, not that he would have called. not that he did call.

Just. I want this to work damnit. i want this relationship to work. and I'm willing to do what it needs, because he means that much to me. Because to me, he's so fucking worth it.

Yet somehow, I get the feeling he doesn't feel the same way...