my heart has been hurting in a very literal way. at least, i think its my heart.

yesterday i was having sharp pains in my chest, today is a dull ache, which very well may be the result of too much caffeine, but its not that kind of too much caffeine funny heart flutter. its actual pain.

i've felt like this a few times, but only within the last few months, i'm kind of paranoid that my one-time accidental consumption of speed like perma-weakened my heart or something.

anyways this chest pain has the habit of making me very paranoid that i may die. leading to almost-panic attacks (like the hypochondriac i had forgotten i was for a few years) making me really think i'm dying.

so now i do retarded things. like stay up ridiculously late with my brothers just incase my heart decided to stop or something i wouldn't be alone. so they could call an ambulance. and now i'm scared to sleep. honestly afraid that i'm not going to wake up tommorow.

i know i don't know much about medicine or pain or anything, so really it might be a really crazy case of heartburn or something, but i'd rather just get a crappy doctor visit over with in case its not.

at the same time i'm pretty sure, or at least hoping its just me being crazy and hypochondriac-y i've always secretly or not so secretly been. i mean--me thinking my imminent death is near, is nothing new.

when i was 9, i was convinced i had AIDS. yes, AIDS. i sat on public toilet seat and before i sat the paper-protector thing had slipped off. my butt hit raw porcelain. obviously, death by AIDS was the only plausible consequence of such risque toilet usage.

it took my mom AND a doctor friend a week to convince me this was not so.

when i was 14 we went to mexico, and my mom & dad got sick from-- well there are alot of possibilities. I was feeling fine, until they had announced how sick they were. i thought about it so much (i've done all the same activities! i have eaten at all the same places!) that my stomach ended up hurting too. mine never materialized in a very...tangible way like there's did. so i stayed in the hotel room for 3 or so days missing a good portion of our awesome trip, instead of enjoying the beautiful sun and beach.

the next one's definitely the most embarassing.

when i was 22 (YES IT WAS EARLIER THIS YEAR OKAY) i thought i had herpes. Now, this made NO sense to me, because i couldn't think of a time i could have contracted it. so i start crying to the bf, that i have no-fucking-clue how this happened, and if i gave it to him or not. he starts freaking the f out and tells me he wants to see, because he just doesn't believe me. (the only conclusion i could come to was sharing bathing suits with a friend of mine.)

anyways. he makes me strip down, goes to look, and starts laughing hysterically. and of course i get pissed and start yelling that this is NOT fucking funny. and then he starts laughing even harder.

Yeah. it was razor burn.

okay but really how am i supposed to know? i was always a trimmer, and only did the bikini line, i never full shaved until he requested. so really i dont think im THAT retarded for that one.. or at least i like to tell myself.

anyways. i hope my chest pain turns into another retarded story i can add to this list (though this is just a very few of many through the years.)

but i think i'm going to get it checked out anyways, just in case.