anyways. while the boy is reaching out desperately dan is retreating. i can't blame him either. i've been grumpy and rude and just wanting to be bymyself. but i go to his house because i know he would throw a fit if i didn't. and i have sex with him because i know he would throw a fit if i didn't. like an actual tantrum. leg kicking sighing silent treatment fit. what can i say. things are slow. i think im bored. but i don't want to give up the only encounter i've had with what i believe is true love. even if it has faded. even if i feel so alone. i wish i felt the way i used to. but i just don't. and is that love aging or is that falling out of love. i'm just not sure because i've never been in a relationship that started off so genuine.
we met at a party. we were set up by friends, he knew, i didnt. he was so fucking cute. and persistant. and i was lonely. my two best friends had gone back to africa and i knew nobody in this town except for acquaintances. my coworker laughed because i didnt make dan play the game very hard when we met. i gave him my number the first time we met but made him wait two weeks till we hung out one on one. i was smitten. and i mean. when we had been going out fo rjust 6 months i could barely breathe with out him. i went to san francisco with my college friends and i didnt even have fun because i just wanted him to be there. and now i don't even want to go over there unless i have to. and sometimes i think breaking it off is the answer. and others i think id be giving up the best hting in y life. the only thing in my life. ever since i left my college in the bay i have been so fucking lonely. i have no friends in this town. and i am not charasmatic. and i am quiet. and i am shy. i do not make friends easily. i make them slowly. and they must be agressive people because i am so passive.
and the whole life i know would be gone would dissapear if we b roke up because my whole life is really his. we hang out with his freinds (who over time have become mine.) and they are who i look to and hang on to. and the only raeson i am surviving here.
he hates me because i am always in a bad mood. but he doesn't understand the kind of tired i am. i doubt he's ever experienced this type of exhaustion. parents, 2 jobs, college, failure and loneliness are a lot to deal with. they drain me. and i love him but i just cant take his shit too. though i know i will.
because i love him. & he's all i have.