until today.

i don't know what the fuck it was. But today hurt like i haven't hurt in a really really long time. like, today decided when the sun rose, it also wanted to punch me in the heart. or the face. or both. Felt the ache creeping in from early on, maybe it even got its claws in me a little bit last night as my wine drunk was fading and my friends left and i was alone. So, I had an idea of what i may be waking up to so i made damn sure to keep busy all fucking day. I tried to busy that shit away. met with the lady i'm house sitting for was there for an hour, went to my parents house for a few hours, went to my friends house and made cookies with her family for hours. That's where it hurt the most. where everything just felt so fucking heavy.

So, what has changed? I guess it's because we had a big conversation on the phone a few days ago. I mean he called over a week ago and I told him I was busy and waited a week to call him back. In reality I just wasn't ready. But when we did talk, I was feeling good. Riding that self love wave I had been talking about. That i was genuinely okay with the break up, knew it was the right thing, knew i needed time for me. Then he started saying shit that I just didn't want him to say. Shit people say but don't mean but they are lonely and getting love and affection from someone they just gave up. So they do or say something, just enough to try and drag that person back in. You know, things they know the other person wants to hear.

So that's hard. to be told things you know you never dared hope to hear, and you know they don't really mean them. maybe in that short lonely moment they did. but not really. he said if he we are both single when i move out there next year, he may want to try again. I mean the whole thing was so non committal. was such bullshit. like. what the fuck. like let's just see how it goes, let's keep this door open. Even though its not like I didn't just slam it in your fucking face. hard. or anything.

I also think it's the fact that he had to rub in he was going to some huge party and dinner thing of his friends the next night and how excited he was and how many great people would be there. & i know him. I know he was on the prowl and I know it's so likely he met a girl there and in my lonely imagination he met a girl hit it off, slept with her maybe. maybe they're even hanging out right now. Or maybe they didn't even sleep together. maybe he got her number and is giddy and texted her for the first time today. Or maybe nothing happened at all.

I just know that he'll be looking soon. If he isn't already. Thinking of him with another girl just fucking tears me up inside. I think that's what's really getting to me. the idea of him with someone else. How it's inevitable and it'll be soon.

It's not the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. he just doesn't want me.

and the hole in my heart just gets bigger.

Like this whole time i've been feeling really good but now i'm dragging. why am i not good enough? I know the answers. it's how i acted. insecure. because I was. I can't change it now. I can't go back it's done. and would I even want to? If everything were to be the same again and nothing would change then, no.

You know, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other night. Well, half watched it. Just kind of played it in the background, I've seen it so many times i know pretty much every line. I've always loved that movie, but just in a way that it's a good cry. Naively I would never commit to an ending. Like it's possible it worked out the second time!! Thought it was too sad if it didn't. Just had some hope that it would. And you know, a friend told me that movie saved his life once. And I didn't know how that could be. And I guess i finally just realized. Because in a reality I've never had to go through the ending of a relationship I didn't want to end. Anyways the beauty of it is, it doesn't work out the second time. It never will. That's the comfort in it. They aren't made for each other, they just do all the same shit to each other. All the small betrayals and resentment and boredom and the unfittingness would happen all over again. So, even if me and that guy did get back together, it would just be the same relationship we had before. Neither one of us would be happy. Unless we go on personal journeys and both learn and change things, if we don't and we try again, it will be the exact same story. & there's freedom in that knowledge. It's beautiful.

At the same time, it's still heart drowning to be told you're not wanted or loved by the person you love. No movie can you save you from that feeling. Trust me, I've been watching sad movies for days. & I'd like to say it hurts just as much as it did before, but it doesn't. it hurts even more.