And I was scared. I was scared shitless. That they found the oh so many emails between me and the boy. The ones where he says how much he loves me, and how he�s never loved anyone like he loves me. The same boy I lied to my parents about, because if they knew the truth about him, about where he was from, and who he was, that he was the boy I loved more than anything, they�d cut off all contact with him..so I grew angry and resentful, I asked myself over and over how they could do this. How could they go through my stuff? Not only how but why� I guess they do have reason not to turst me..because I do lie, I have lied, about a lot of things..mainly him.

When I found out that what they had read, was not my email, my text messages, or his messages to me on forums, I was relieved. I was ecstatic.. My secret has been kept safe. So then, exactly what did they read? All I had been told was that they read something of mine on the computer and were really upset about it.. I talked to TJ later who had the details. It was things about the boy that had upset them..they found a saved IM. I don�t know why its saved to be honest, I guess for the second half of the convo, because the second half was hilarious. But not the first half.. it was about my parents. It was infact, about how much I hated them. How they were stupid, idiots and whatever other mean things I could think of. IN all honesty and truths, I love my parents to death. Just when I�m angry, I say a lot of things, a lot of things I don�t mean. I say whatever stupid words come to my mind. I was angry at them, and a friend lent an ear..it just happened to be on aim instead of the phone. So I vented left and right, non stop with no mercy and no precautions, because to my knowledge it was only for my eyes and his, he vented about his parents too.. The chat is infact from over a year ago..

Apparently my mom read it� I think that explains a lot. A lot of the aggression and anger from my parents towards me. The reason that the last threads of our relationship broke..

And its almost sickening how relieved I was when I found out they hadn�t found about the boy. And now that I�ve had time to reflect, I can�t decide which is worse. I actually think this way is worse�my parents think I�m some horrible hateful person. They probably truly think I meant everything I said. I don�t�I promise I don�t�I don�t think they were ever planning on mentioning to me the fact that they found it.. Leaving me with no room or chance to explain. To explain that I was angry, I did what I thought was harmless venting�that I don�t know� I thought it was harmless. That no one would ever see it, that I was hurt and mad. That, it happened over a year ago I hate the things I said. I hate every time I�ve said bad things about them that I never meant. Reading through it again, a year later, its gross because I know that�s not the only time I�ve ever said things like that, said things like that�and never meant it.

I can�t stand myself right now. I�m completely disgusted; I keep fucking up and miss-stepping right and left with them. No wonder they can�t stand me, no wonder all they show towards me is anger and hostility�and all I can say to this is in all honesty� I can�t blame them.

It also made me realize how many half truths and lies im swimming in..how many things i hide. I convnicne myself they force me to, but being so strict with such stupid rules..and then time slike now, where im realisitc, i realize i'm just a piece of shit. That doesn't deserve their turst. I dunno, all seems so harmless. I only lie about the boy mostly...*sigh* oh i dont know. I guess i don't lie all that much, but I hide things. computers, grades, friends, where i am, you know all that fun stuff..stupid typical teenager stuff right? God i hope so. It's typical, or its not, and I'm a horrible person, it can go both ways =/