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Lost and Confused Part I (the boy)
2004-04-13

I'm lost and confused. How many times have i said that? Why am I always saying that? well the answer's simple. It's because no questions lead to answers...only to more questions. Every road another turn another fork, no end no answer. So I guess i'll continue to be lost, until i find myself, and then get lost all over again. Which is fine, It's just part of life i guess.

The Boy

I guess things could be classified as good with him, but in a sense not really. It's good if we just stay in there here and now. He has everything I'd ever need emotionally. (actually alot more than I'd ever need...) *sigh* someone ( a five year old in fact), had asked me if we were in love. I said of course. and then he asked, "well do you guys want to stay together forever and ever?" (It's funny the things little kids can make you realize) And I couldn't answer. I have no clue... Sometimes the boy talks about how he can see marrying me, or having kids with me, sometime in the far off future. I wish i could say the same back... but I can't. I guess you could say, he's not the marrying type? I know i'm only 18 and I'm waaaaay too young and I'm not even close to thinknig about marriage or any of that, it just... I guess you could say my practical side is coming out. (wtf I have a practical side? where have you been all my life?)I feel as if he's not concerned enough for me... or i guess responsible enough. I guses that's selfish and hyporcritcal because I am one of the most irresponsbile people in the world... But I feel like because of that I need someone to you know, balance me out, someone that can take care of me...like my dad does for my mom?

Just, little things i guess. And, not so little things. With the whole repsonsibility thing, He'll keep me up all hours of the night when he knows I have school in the morning. He's had unprotected sex with multiple partners (which makes me really unformtable, because infact he got one pregnant...did he not care enough to use any?) He dropped out of college... I still love him more than anything, and for all I know he's one of my soulmates(if there's such a thing) but its just not practical .

And re reading that last paragraph. I'm wondering what I'm looking for here..is it really impractical, being serious with him. What am I looking for? A love, or a father figure? It's only natural to want to be taken care of by the by you love right? (how many years of feminist movements did i just destroy right there?)

I just don't see him as a viable provider i guess...

But emotionally, he's someone I'm very intune with. Although, He does go through major boughts of depression and self- hate, in which i want so fucking badly to help him through, and want to lend a hand and be there as I have in the past, and i do everything I can, but to be totaly honest...It's slowly wearing at me. Sometimes it's just too much. And I don't know what to do. I'm willing and I'm glad and would never regret the countless hours I have spent comforting and talking to him, but its going to wear me out. I dunno, lately when thats happend, I almost had it of being a feeling of its too much, and i Couldn't handel it..It's just so emotinally draining. just bleh what am i even saying.

I dunno, theres a lot of positive points to him of course, and I'm only focusing on the negative. But I'm wondering if this really is going to work as an extremly seroius thing..

All I want to know is that I want him in my life someway or another. As a lover or not, at least, as a best friend...

I don't know. To be honest, and horrible as this is, and deep confession time for me the thing that got me thinking about any of this, was my mom who was talking about someone she hadn't seen for really long time since highscool and was like "Wow he was so smart and such a good kid, so handsome and sweet, and he just drunk himself into the ground, it's really sad waht happend."

I know that won't happenw ith the boy..because he's detrimned to not let it. But it just scared me..and why did it make me think of him?

I don't know. I feel like if i broke up with him, or wanted to take some time to think, It would destroy him. acutally i know it would. ugh..I dunno in alot of ways I feel like I'm going to be the demise of him.. I just don't see this lasting "forever and ever" as it was put. I don't want to be what finally braeks him.

bleh.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Like that's anything new.

Part II tommorow

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