<body>
Random Subjects
2004-04-23

Okay, so i lied. But i truly was planning on adding the 2nd part the next day. But each time I went to write it, i just couldn't. I think abuot it so much, and am confused about it enough, writing about it is just over kill. At the same time, it promotes my avoidence of all thigns bothering me. What had been and is bothering me, is that I can't decide what to college to go to. It's between a college I'm not especially thrilled about, or a Community college, which means living with my parents for two years. I dunno, I think alot of my attraction to the CC is because I'm afraid of leaving home adn everything changed, well oaky alot of it. But enough of that. onward, to other things.

So my high school career is wrapping itself up. Only 21 or so days let, God that blows my mind. And to be honest, Im not quite as ready or willing to go as i once thought i would be around this time. I've just been so stressed out its like there's so much to do and so little time. I'm sure all seniors expiernce that but damn. It's overwhelming. I've been hanging out with a new umm i guess you would call it "group" of girls lately, and i adore them, best part of all, is that they adore me too... I haven't had that for a long time.

But at the same time I feel guilty. because I haven't been hanging out with G all that much, but she never asks me to do anything, well she does..she doesn't ask me go anywhere, but she is asking me for something I can't do. She wants me pick between her and my friend M. I can't pick..It just doesn't work like that. Two of my closest friends... who use to be best friends themeselves. but ever since G woke up one day and decided that she hated M for all she had ever done to her (that's pretty much the jist of what happend, no one really knows what broke her)I feel like im being pulled and pushed between the two. And G is pushing me to choose, and since i refuse to and still do things with M (like M and I are going to go to Senior Ball together, our date's our brothers)G..seems to grow bitter? but how can she ask me to choose...But most of the time, this position is making me so uncomfortable, I've picked neither, and have been hanging out with differnt people, the group i was talking about.

G and M had both approached me about a Senior Trip with either one of them. I knew if i went with one, the other would be mad...so I picked neither. I'm just going with other people..I think they both resent it and are hurt.. I dont know. I want to blame G for putting me in this position. But i guess It's my fault for not handeling it well? I just don't know what to do. These are the only two girls that have been there all throughout high school for me, I can't leave them now. And i don't want to know, but somehow i see it as my only choice. Not leave permantly , but back off alot, in which I hvae been doing.

Which brings me back to the group. It's kind of odd, because there's only a little over a month until school's out, such an odd time to finally people i fit well with...It's kind of like what's the point? I probably won't really ever see you guys again after highschool...as much as that sucsk i know its true. *sigh* But i guess i should just appreciate them while i have them. who knows what will happen next year, and who will go what ways.

I hate the dishelvement of Senior year. We've all been kicked off of our pedistools and the place that wer'e comfortable and waht we know...And are going to be thrown into this whole new place, with all new people, high school was hard enough, how am i going to handel college? Will i make friends easily...? Will I close up and be shy like I was for the majority of Highschool? I've really been alot more outgoing lately, Kind of like I used to be, and I miss that part of me, I'm glad to see its still down there somewhere. Not to say I don't have my shy quiet moments, but you know what i mean. It's alwasy good to know you haven't totally lost yousrself. Especialy the self that you acutally like.

But the self i cant stand right now is the physical. I need to lose weight worse than ever, ugh i don't even want to think about it. *puts running under infinite list of thigns to do*

I've been looking for a job too, to pay off a ticket i got, and my mom's credit card bill i ran up. No luck yet, but I'm really excited to work for some reason, probably becaus ei never have. I'm sure once i acutally get into the usual grind of work, the novelty and excitement of it all will wear off, and I'll just be another person staring at the clock till i go home.

I'm going to Senior Ball with the guy that I went to the Mexico Service trip with, last april. Well I was going to be all sweet and link you to the page where i talk about/him but i can't seem to find it, sorry. Anyways, So yeah...I'm not taking the boy. I think he's a bit hurt, but He goes to school and he's too far so, i opted for Jon. Who i've always liked anyways, and that worries me. It's kind of scaring me how much I've been looking at other guys. When I was working for my mom, one of her employees (who was around my age) asked me to go to the movies with him (just hanging out though, btu still) and It suprised me how i didn't even hestitate before saying yes...(even though i ended up not going because my mom didn't want me to get mixed up with her employees) I was still a little suprised at myself. I don't know what to make of it. That plus my extreme excitement of seeing Jon again? I think Mexico last year is the last time I saw him? Oh well, I think I just need to get back on track..or something. Is it normal for a girl's mind to wander like this? when she's involved..It's not like I think of Jon all the time, but he does pop in my head, every know and then, maybe its just because I've been thinking about ball...

Wow sorry about this crappy entry with random subjects, but that's just how I am lately~so my diary entries will be too, all scattered brained with no sense of direction or control.

<< then &hearts now >>

profile
Listen up.

links.

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

affiliates
omfggwtf
tattoobelly
rhetoric
tinfoilheart
hotwaterlove
srslyimeanit
duplicitous
evilyoyo
smartypants
weetabix
thecity
symmetries
over-rated
shot-of-tea
kellifornia
agitated
traumatease
slickasgrace
dirty-a-sid
absolutgal82
faultyvision
symmetree
priceless
punkunicorn
s-i-l-v-e-r
dandelionkat
destinedstar
ladiebug
pinupgirl
crimsonstar
limbless

credits
This blogskin is proudly presented to you by Anna May.

hosted by DiaryLand.com