Never being alone is hard. It's odd...it takes away from relationships with people at home. I feel i can never talk fully and freely, unless in my room alone, which rarely happens. even then, I know people can hear me in the hall, what i'm saying, who i'm talking to. It's just differnt. I've never had to share a bathroom, a room, and much less every moment of my life, with someone else, or with other people. It's odd, and its hard. Its not unbearable or anything...just differnt. I'm afraid of fitting in. where will i find my place? When will i find it? how soon...how far?

No privacy, always surrounded by so many people, but at the same time left with an indefinate longing. with lonliness. I'm lost. and that's okay. I think everyone is.

I'm deathly afraid of gaining the freshman 15. I joined crew. I'm excited it seems hardcore, and I can't fucking wait. I can not quit. I won't let myself. I'm going to work so fucking hard. There are so many people on the team, its going ot be hard to work my way up and get noticed, oh but don't doubt me. It will happen. Just wait..just wait.

Going to an all girls school to a school with guys isn't as hard as i thought it would be. It seems natural surpisingly. I guess I'm lucky. I'm still not over my tendancy to walk around unshowered without makeup and in workout clothes. I've embarassed myself quite a few times, running into cute guys in my hall like that. But then agian, best to show them your worst upfront? Maybe they'll be suprised by your best?

The boy...The boy...he goes to school in New York, i go to school near San Francisco. And were still trying. People don't understand. I'm not quite sure i do either. All i know is that, I almost lost him two nights ago, and I've never been so afraid in my life. I've never been so confused in my life. I had never felt so alone...

It's scary. I told him I can't live without him. I meant it. I need him in my life. If not as a lover or boyfriend, or whatever he is (who knows what he is..) I need him as a best friend... but how many peopl have i said that about? How many "best freinds" have i lost in the last two yeras? how easy was it...It was easier than i ever thought, its scary. yes I miss those people, but the fact that we don't talk...doesn't really weigh on me like it use to, I wonder what I'm missing out on. whats going on in their lives...where are they? are they okay? maybe it weighs a little more than i want to admit...

And as lonely as college can be. It's still made me feel oh so loved. Both my brothers have stoppe by allready, TJ, and my 3 best friends from home. what more could i ask for? my parents saying they miss me... and the best part of all...a highlight of my life...the man i've known since the day i was born. The man whose blood runs in my veins, along with his stubborness, determination, akwardness, caring, nose, and many other things. The man, that I haven't talked to for more than 10 minutes in the last three years, unless it was him yelling at me...

He... My daddy said he loved me...My daddy said he was proud of me.

My day was made. My year was made.

My fucking life, was made.

I don't know what to do with myself. And it's okay. I am tired and I am worn. But its okay. Because I am loved. In all aspects of the word...

the good, the bad, I'm just so lucky.

What a wonderful life...

I just need to find my place. And i Need to find myself. Though I feel like i was thrown from everything i knew, back to the beggining. I was tore from my roots and into a new world. and Even though I'm lost in this sea of uncertainy along with everone else, nonethe less I have a wondeful, wonderful life.

New roots will grow, I will be able to call this place my home. I won't forget myself, I wont lose who i am now, or who i was...hopefully its only growth ahead of me..