I feel like I�m not making all that many close friends, maybe I am and just not making the ones I had hoped to? I need to get out of that because that�s something that held me back for so fucking long in highschool. I finally let go of that at the end of junior year� and that�s when I found my best friends. I don�t know. I just..I just don�t understand what I�m lacking. I guess I can be pretty boring, at least my roommate thinks so, boring and possibly annoying. And then I get so paranoid that I�m annoying and am So insecure about it, I tell people if i�m bothering them or they think I�m annoying them, to let m know. Which is an EXTREMLY annoying thing to do after the first time or two. And it shoves my insecurity right into everyone�s faces, which people hate, and don�t want to deal with. I don�t know what to do wit hmyeslf. I wish I was more�fun? Likeable? I feel like I�m in fifth grade again. I thought I was learning to accept myself, and my perpetual borings.

I hate that I�m a quiet person. I hate that I�m an extremely introverted person�just bleh. I wish I could be some extremely charismatic outgoing person, in a non-annoying way. And I also wish I was assertive in any way at all, blah. Its like it took people so long at home to see who I could be, and the me that I liked and almost lost, the me that was slightly loud and sometimes confident, and wasn�t afraid to crack jokes and put herself out there�

Just�why am I such an introverted dork, all over again? I guess it�s the true me�If I tried to be more outgoing and assertive would that be changing who I am? Would that be �fake�? Because of course at first I would have to force myself to do it. I don�t want to lie to myself, or to others, I just want people to like me for me. People don�t get really attached to me easily, like they do to others. Maybe I just don�t give off as good of vibes as other people? I just don�t know. Maybe I�m not excited about enough stuff? Maybe�maybe I�m just boring?

I don�t know I juts feel like my roommate doesn�t like me that much...and it really bothers me, and I�m not sure why�

I guess i just feel left out, unliked, and lonely. ways no one wants to feel.

that and just one big lack of charisma on my part. can you blame her?

Just why do i have such a hard time making close friends? Or geting people that want to be around me alot? Or even care to talk to me (or maybe im imaging things and being really down on myself I don't know.) I mean i have the boy, and he's all those thigs, or feels all those thigns about me, but. It's differnt. He's not everyone, and I don't want him to be my whole world. Plus he can't be my whole world, even if i wanted. And he's so far away now, so whats it matter? But at the same tiem i'm just so differnt around him. I can be who i want to be. I can say anythiing I'm thinking, and compltely be myself. I think thats one reason he's so special to me, and I'm so open with him. And I know no matter what i say , i won't be judged, and he'll love me anways. And he loves my silly and stupid quirkiness and and... Why can't I be that way around everyone?