Anyways, they were in my room and pointed a picture of me and the boy, asking who he was. I stated that it was my boyfriend (just to make things simpler). They asked how old he was. I said 21. They said they thought he was 24, he looked like a brother or something. For some reason I found that comment not just offensive, but hurtful. And I couldn�t figure out why. I explained he was 21 and it�s a freshman dating a junior, its not a big deal. They kept asking me if it was hard with the difference in level of maturity. I said no, and now that I think of it, my answer is still no. The age presents a different problem than maturity. It�s life experience. Even though were now both in college, were in very different points in our life. And its not so much the 18 and 21 that�s the problem, but our expiernce. What I mean by that is, just he�s so much farther in life it feels like. And hes been through o much more. I�m a late bloomer, in all aspects of the word. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Well, maybe not mentally. But the point is I�m 18, and the boy is the only thing I�ve had that�s anywhere near a boyfriend. Or could even be called or considered one in some way. He�s also the boy that was my first real kiss, and the boy that I lost my virginity to. He�s my first of everything. And I have no problem with that. But the fact that he�s kissed so many other girls, dated so many other girls, and had sex�with so many girls, that kind of gets to me. I�m a freshman in college, its my turn to experiment and to see what�s out there. He�s had all that. He�s talked about being able to see me as his wife, some place in the far far future. I can see that too, but do I really want to marry or consider marrying the only boy I�ve ever been with? What if he�s not the one for me. I�ve never been with anyone else..and in a way that scares me.

At the same time, I don�t want to let him go. I can�t let him go. I can�t live without him in my life, I almost lost him and I just cried, and cried, and cried.

He knows I�m younger, that I have no expiernce, and he takes that into perspective. That�s where our complicated situation comes in. You could say were �together� but since were going to school so far away from eachother, were non-exclusive. In other words, were just sitting, waiting for one of us to get hurt. Well, both of us get hurt. And I can almost already tell its him, that�s going to be hurt. Maybe it makes me a horrible person to admit that? Maybe I�m just not as good of a person as him�maybe I�m just more tempted than him? I mean, I kissed another guy this summer, and I told the boy, because he said he wanted to know, and it was chaos. Complete chaos and disaster. He had acted as if I had sex with the guy, it was simply a kiss or two� Though we have a �non-exclusive� relationship it wasn�t okay according to him. And he freaked out. I don�t blame him, I know I would be hurt too, I might not have freaked out to that extent, but yeah. I don�t know. I�m confused what to do. It�d probably be better for me and healthier to be with some one near me, or not be with anyone at all, not having to feel guilty for being interested in a guy near me. But, I just can�t let go. And in a lot of ways I don�t want to. I just�I just don�t know�

I�ve been through so little, he�s been through so much. And its like, if he�s been through so much, with so many people, and this relationship is one that he�s pretty decided on, dedicated enough to hold it across the country, than what we have must be pretty damn good. So why would I want to ruin that?

But isn�t the want to experiment and see what else is out there natural?

I�m sure I�ve wrote and questioned this a million times before, but it just seems to keep coming up somehow� meh.

The point is, I don�t know, that I never know�Stupid college life, stupid trying to find myself, stupid growing up.