I knew there was a reason that I don't like getting ridiculously fucking drunk. It was a good reason too. When really drunk, I have this tendancy, to hook up with random guys. And by hooking up i mean nothing past kissing-- except for on one ocassion hands were involved. (that one ocassion, just happend to be last night.) But damnit. I KNEW i shouldn't have drinken that much, but i did. I figured I'd be okay, because in reality, its only happend 2 times-- making out with someone who i had just met and had absolutley no feelings or affection for the person, barely even knew the person- but still took it upon myself to kiss that person. (or them to me, but i still went with it) and ALSO last night i ended up kissing one of my guy friends-- which was weird, and odd, becuase I really don't find him that attractive.
And for some reason when this happens, i just...I don't know. I'm totally disgusted with myself, the next day, wanting to puke, just at the thought of me being...so...so...not like me? Well, I'm sure alot of the stomach ache, is a hang-over, but you know. And strangely, to alot of people its not a big deal, its just kissing,and it was only a few times-- but i still can't help but hate myself for it. to be disgusted by it. to be scared of it. I had promised myself I wouldn't drink too much anymore, to avoid things such as that happening. But GOD. When I'm drunk, I'm admittadly the biggest cuddle whore, ever. Which I have no problem with, cuddling is cuddling. And last night started off as cuddling. I was told it would only be cuddling, yet advanced to more. But when it goes past cuddling to even kissing-- is when i start to freak out, and I'm not sure why. I just bleh. Well I guess I do know why...
the boy. So much of it has to do with the boy. but I don't know...In a way I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty, because its long distance, because were "none exclusive." What a silly phrase. What a silly thought...what a silly idea. Non Exclusive means, that we can openly be with other people supposively. BUt when you don't tell the other its not open anymore...but do we have to? IS that part of the "rule?" Is that how it goes? blah. I don't know how it works. Did i cheat on him? But he's so far away...and i keep on gripping onto, and clawing and groping at those two tiny words... Non Exclusive. If It's my right and I should be free to do what i want...then why do i feel so fucking guilty?

blah.