shine on

Is apathy more human?

2004-10-07

In all honesty I�ve never felt further from anyone. He�s so far away. He�s so unreachable. In every way possible. Emotionally, mentally�physically. He�s on the other side of the country. Every breath, every moment, he floats farther and farther. Time�takes him away from me. Somehow, breathing, takes him away from me. Probably because, living�takes im away from me. And it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. Not so much because I�m afraid of losing him and what will become of us, where we will go, because I miss him. But I don�t really miss him that much. That in a way, I think I�m starting to care less and less. Or I�m too busy to care, or to take the time to care. I have no time left, I don�t have time to hold a relationship wihtosmeone a state, and especially not a country away. And it just seems, the more and more infatuated I seem to get with a boy that lives downstairs, the less and less I care. And the more I get infatuated with the boy downstairs, the boy downstairs gets more and more infatuated with a cute, skinny, tan, tall, blonde girl. A girl that is everything that I am not. That some of it, I wish I was. I don�t know, she may not have the prettiest face�but she has a cute little body. A much nicer one than mine�And see. I can�t even talk about how much I miss the boy or how much it disturbs me that in some way I feel that I don�t miss him enough. without trailing off. Trailing off about the boy downstairs. College..is so much different with highschool. People say you have SO much more free time, but it�s a lie. Well maybe free time as in not being in school�but individual and alone time is almost completely none.
I don�t know. Is it typical become increasingly apathetic the less you see someone? The more you should miss them. Maybe the more you do..or even did miss them? Maybe it just hurts, to miss him so much. So I choose, apathy over pain. Isn�t that a very human thing to do? Or is that a horrible thing to do�opt for numbness..apathy..instead of hurt and pain? Instead of feelings�
I�m lost again.

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