shine on

Confusion...

2004-10-14

My mom always used to say how she was so proud and astounded by the fact that I didn't need a guy in my life. I didn't need a guy to define me or my self worth. That I was perfectly independant, and i was, for a really long time. Yet, now i think i would dissapoint her, oh so much. And I'm dissapointed in myself. The boy, the silly boy. As things slowly crumble, as our relationship slowly crumbles...I feel so lost. So lost and empty and numb. I don't know what to do mysself. I feel the onset of depression again...all because of a boy. A boy and dissapointment in myself. Not so much the dissapointment of me having to rely on him, but i did the last fucking thing i wanted to. I hurt him. I made him cry, alot. He's misrable. And in a way, I feel as if I'm not as miserable as i should be. That I don't care enough, That I'm not concernced enought, that I don't hurt enough. Am I numb? or do i just not care...I'm so confused. College and distance is tearing us apart. I don't know whats changed so much in the last couple of weeks...something has though. I just can't pinpoint it. and worst of all, i know it's me. It's something inside me that has made the relationship start on this down hill road. I have no clue.
I don't know why but it juts makes me think of this line from a song. "And all that's left is love, broken love." I feel like it applies to our relationship so much...The love is still there. It's just broken, confused, scattered. It's there but its broken, its wounded..is it fading? where is it going...I just. blah. The boy visited this weekend...did i fail to mention that? He came all the way from school, just to see me. And it meant alot and it was supposed to be fun and i thought everythig would make sense again, just to hold him again, it would all make sense. But it didn't. It wasn't any better, I just got more confused. I felt warm and fuzzy like always, but did i feel as warm and fuzzy as always? I didn't think so...
And I told him and I let him know, and i watched his lips fall into this heart wrenching frown. And god, I just hated myself and everything within me, for making him feel like that. For watching the tears roll down his face...just blah. I wish i could take it all back. I wish i could make it all feel the same again. Why doesn't it? Why won't it? If it did everything would be so much easier...

<< then &hearts now >>