Replaced
2004-10-31
somehow i feel so damn...replaced. see, i always hang out in the hall downstairs, with alot of the boys down there, cause were good friends. We like to make fun of eachother and have fun, and they all say they like me cause i'm so sweet and whatever else. and just i feel like i belong, when i hang out with them. well, lately, there's this new girl. that to me, seems alot like me. Except for the fact, she's thinner than me, and she's cute. and she seems to have come out of nowhere, and she has all the same friends i do, and now none of the guys really talk to me when she's around. I'm old. I know all their stories, i've been there for half of them. and shes fresh, and shes new and she has a new and fresh outlook to contribute. I just feel so replaced. and no one cares if im there. i just sat there and watched her carry on a converstaion with them, about something i couldn't relate to at all (dogs in fact, i've never had a pet in my life) and every time i tried to say something it was totally disregarded, and i just said fuck it, made an excuse and left. and somehow, shes showing up everywhere that i am, and i'm getting the same damn feelings again and again. and i feel so boring, and repetitive and old..and replaced. Not only that. But. This girl that's supposed to be one of my "best friends" here, Cris, normally hangs out with me. But she's been completely ignoring me lately. Or just forgetting to talk to me, or call me, or whatever excuse seh comes up with. So she called today and i called back, but got no answer. I took a shower, and was walking downstairs to the bd's room, and called on the way. I heard her voice in a hallway, so i decided to call her phone, i could hear her phone ring, and i heard her completely ignore it. because seh was hanging out with her "other group of friends" that apparently we can't hang out with together. or her "other group" and I've been alone all day. And I feel so fucking alone right now.
and i finally broke things off with the boy. Like 100% broke them off, were just freinds, and this is all well be for a long time. But we still both agreed to talk everyday, and act like best friends, just like we always promised. But he won't answer his phone calls, for hte past few days. and It just feels...hard. and painful. and its just so empty..
and god. i dont know why i just feel so damn alone. and like i have no one. and everyone i had is busy or moving on to bigger better things, and i feel so replaced and old and used. and blah.
I wont even get started on the boy downstairs.
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