shine on

Destroyed

2004-12-04

I can't believe what he's done to my self esteem. Whenever I go out to a party or something, all i can think of is how ugly i am. How fat and ugly I am, and thats the reason no guys want to talk to me. and don't give me that bull shit their "intimidaded." I have gorgeous friends, many of who are very respectable and not whore-ish so thats no excuse either; and guys go up to them. All i can ever think about is how ugly and red-faced I am. When I'm drunk.( my face tends to turn bright red when i drink, people often refer to it as the "asian glow") And when I'm not, all i can think of is how ugly in general i am, and how i need to lose weight. And its this horrible downward spiral of thoughts. Of self hate and self pity. and i can't pass by a mirror. And i just end up in this horrile mood, and half tears, and am just waiting to leave. But my friends want to stay, their having fun. Thus, I want them to stay. So i sit, brute, and i get all teary eyed and clam up, and i'm in my little shell. And I hate where I am and what's going on. I just want to go home and be alone, where people don't have to look at me, I don't have to be seen. So i can just sit, alone. and think. and mope...and cry. I have no self esteem anymore. And it's pathetic.

That boy has destroyed me.

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