the sad thing is, he's still that one good boy. it's me. i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one that pushed him away and told him i wanted nothing. but how could i have anything? none of it would work. He lived so far away, and not being able to see him or really know what happend to him in his every day life, to hold his hand, to touch his skin, to breathe his breath..i couldn't handel it anymore. Not having him at all seemed better than trying to cope with the fact i was no longer near him. But it wasn't easier. but it wasn't so bad because we talked every day still, nothing had really changed. All i had done was selfishley opened up the freedom and right to like other guys-- without the guilt. (the freedom was technically always there)I think i was feeling pretty guilty about the BD situation, because that happend without the boys knowledge. and so we went on. and nothing had really changed at all-- and then all of sudden when i stopped making time, he got fed up. I felt like he was going to be there forever--and he wasn't. and he's not. i started to get scared, and before i knew it there was talk of this tina girl flying all around my ears. but it was suttle, and half hidden-- but ever present. and i started to panic. so i grabbed on and i took a jump and i was vurnebale, and for once in our relationship together-- or whatever this thing is, he didn't respond. and he didn't care. and i'm devistated. and i'm feeling anger and pain, but why? I shouldn't be angry. He's moving on, like i pretended to do. Like i need to and like i want to but i can't seem to. and he's doing what any good man should. and he's making this all less miserable for him. and why am i so jealous adn hurt and God. I can't stand it.

I'm sick of hurting. and i have been for al ong time. and that's why i wanted to say something but it only made it worse, it only made the hurt more. this is the way it was supposed to go. I just layed down and held my legs to my chest and let the water come to the brink of my eyes but not let it out. G was at my house, said i seemed mad abotu something. I lied, and said it was nothing. so i sat and stewed and bruted. and i don't know what to do anymore? Just not talk to him..for myself and for him? myself because it hurts too bad..and for him so he can truly move on and he can let go. oh god but why can't i let go? I don't want to be one of those people thats stuck on one person for so long and i don't want to be pathetic. but look at me and look at my disposition last night...and look at this entry.