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Family
2005-05-02

The idea of a close knit family is something that has always appealed to me. It�s an ideal and value that I fell in love with. I always considered myself close with my brothers and even my parents. But�I think its about time I admit to myself that we aren�t as close as I had always hoped. That I always pretended. I barely talk to any member of my family, while many people talk to theirs on a daily basis. I know I know, quality not quantity. But it�s just things like My roommate was really upset today, because when she comes home her parents don�t take her out to dinner anymore, or spend time with her. When I come home�its expected that I hang out for a bit, and then I have my weekend with my friends. I don�t know.

And today was just�intense? That�s the only word I can think of. Well intense, and emotional. A close friend of mine that lives in my hall, out of serouisly nowhere opened up to about 5 of us girls, about her dad. Her dad died this September from cancer. It�s the first time she�s really talked to any of us about it. And God. IT was just so fucking hard to hear, and so un-imaginable to go through such pain. I seriously can�t fathom it. And I thought about it, how all I wanted to do was talk to my dad. And the timing was so weird, that I had called my dad earlier today. The second time I have called him since I�ve been at school� I called him just to tell him that I had been thinking of him. Because it was the Kings playoffs, and the kings make me think of my dad and how excited he gets over the basketball games. And I just�hearing her talk about the pain, and how she would cry until she hyper-ventalted�and the fact that she tried to describe the pain as best as she could. And I watched this girl who had this huge front, I watched her fall apart right infront of me. I she was talking to me about the little things, that her dad always did for her. That like,e very time her and her mom would go on a little roadtrip, her dad would stand on the driveway and wave to them until they were out of sight. And she said how every time she leaves his driveway, she can�t help but look back�expecting to see him there, waving. And I know, that it�s the little things like that would kill me in the end. And I began trying to imagine what if something like this had happened to my dad�and god. It was scary and un bearable, I mean I�m sure we all think about it sometimes. But I�m not sure what�s scarier, the thought of him not being in my life anymore, or the fact that I can only think of a handful of memories that I could look back on. My dad gave up on me a long time ago�he even told me. And I don�t know what to do with that. I want to be a part of his life, I want him to be part of mine. And I was telling my friends how it was so odd�that tonight was the night to have this conversation, because it really was only the second time I had called my dad. And they just looked at me in amazement, and kind of mumbled some �I�m sorries.� I am too. Who made it this way? Was it me or was it him? I think it was both� and she was just saying how god, just spend all the time you can with your parents. That, she can�t believe all the years ahead of her that he won�t be there for�and how she missed so many opportunities to spend with him. And she was so much closer to her dad than I am to mine. And I know that if he would die anytime soon, I would regret that, more than anything. For barely knowing him. I wish I knew him better. I wish I could find something in common with him, I wish I could find that bond that everyone else seems to have. I wish I could make him think about these things too�

I don�t know. I just regret my relationship with my parents. Or lack there of. I�m 19, it�s too early for regrets. I wish I was closer. I wish I had cared more. And I know it�s not too late�but just. My family isn�t really tight knit. We don�t do a lot together. It�s hard to get closer�and I just want to be my daddy�s little girl again. I want him to be proud of me again. The day he told me that he was proud of m eearlie rthis year�I can�t even explain. Why do I want and seek his approval so much? A man I love and respect so much, and I just wish I was closer to him. Before its too late. Somehow I feel like its already too late. Why can�t I just start over? He used to care so much� the one time he ever wrote me a birthday card, I mean he really wrote it. It wasn�t in my mom�s handwriting or anything, I completely bawled. Just to see his handwriting on that card, was amazing. And I held it so close to me. And�I still have it. I still remember opening it. And I guess I make such a big deal out of such little things�but its all I have to hang on to. A card�a necklace (he didn�t even give it to me, I took it)� I don�t have many memories with him. And if things go to shit like I think they will�if I move out and get dissowend like I know I will�then there�s no turning back. And its too late to make up these grades and I don�t want him to turn his back on me anymore than he already has�

I just want to be able to appreciate him.

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