It's like. My whole life i've barely been sliding by. Through school, jobs, whatever. It was only a matter of time until it caught up to me. It was only a matter of a time when i didn't push quite hard enough, when i was just a bit too lazy.

And so. I met my match. it was college...

So my parents gave me that last and final chance. and i fucked it up. (big suprise) Their pulling me out of school...what am i supposed to do? I haven't told them my grades yet...they won't be aware theyr'e pulling me out until tommorow. I'm going to have to get a job and move out...and do what with my life? Become what?

I was told my entire life, that college was what i had to have to succeed. That it was essential to my life. And because of that being ingrained in my head, without college...i will feel like nothing.

Maybe I wasn't mature enough. Maybe I was too lazy. Maybe it was the ADD. Well, at this point it doesn't really matter, whatever case you throw out there, it still happened. or well..didn't happen. (the grades that is)

And this is basically my last night of freedom. and my last night as my parent's kid. I feel like i should be going crazy and partying-- instead of just sitting here...waiting for tommorow to come. Hating that tommorow will come.

In a way i'm so scared and know that i'm just so screwed i can't even cry any tears anymore. I can only look foreward and make a plan of how i'm going to fix this. I'm hoping and praying that if i move out get a job..and go to a community college for a semester..and get good grades..if i prove i can do all that..maybe my parents will take me back? Maybe they'll let me go back to school? I don't know. At the same time my grades are at the point where the school doesn't want me back either... blah.

I just maybe it will help me focus on other things? either way...things will be very diffent. my whole life will become about other things. well at least other things than it is now.

and it really sucks, because I had the best fucking year of my life at school. No joke. It was fucking awesome, and i adore the people i met...and were friends with...and bonded with. and really care about me and...god damnit. i fucked up. and now it's all gone...