It scares me when i turn on my computer and i've left things open..such as the update page for my diary..just blah. I hate i can't feel safe or like i have any privacy in my own home...it's come to the point where i can't trust my parents enough to *not* have to password protect my computer.

And lately I feel like I can't think at all. I Can't figure stuff out on my own. I can't think of words when i want them...like pretty simple words too. I just can't seem to formulate them in my head...and the word formulate took some thinking. And also any math at all..i've avoided it for so long. I got kind of scared when one of my jobs i was applying for said there would be a math test. I'm sure it's adding and multiplication, but still. I'm actually not very good at it because I do it so fast I don't pay attention. How I made it through college level math I'm not quite sure. I feel like since I have avoided math like the plauge i should force myself into some math classes... for some reason. Just so i don't get so entirely rusty i can't function.

Not only math, but I feel like I'm just stupid lately, in everything. I've been too lazy to think. I don't know. I've always loved to read..
books..essays..poem's..songlyrics..whatever it may be. It didn't really matter. I haven't been reading anything at all lately. Only things on the internet, which isn't alot. At most some short essays. and alot of song lyrics. Someone sent me a poem they really liked. I thought it was pretty, but I couldn't understand it. Then again, I've never really been able to understand poetry past it's face value, and its aestheitcally pleasing components. I wish I could undrestand it more and the depth of it..without anothers person's help. Just makes me feel...so stupid.

Also, Having a friend stay with me for a week because there's a gap between the day she had to move out of her old place and into her new one. She's one of my best friends and probably future roomate. But I don't know... I'm afraid that living together will tear us apart. I've heard of so many friendships going down hill because of people moving in together. I hope that doesn't happen to us...and that all goes well. I think during this year in school I learned alot about myself and my limits through my roomate situation in the dorms. So i'll be better prepared for this. Plus she's shared a room with her sister all her life, so we've both gotten used to living with other people, I think we'll be okay. Even though i've just recently started enjoying being able to sleep on my own again...and being able to do whatever i wanted when i wanted. I know those are things i'm definatly going to miss.

I don't know. I think maybe I like being alone more than other people at times? Like, tonight. We went to a barbeque with alot of our guy friends and it was okay..wasn't really fun or anything, wasn't too boring either. But, I don't know. Got this urge to just go home and drink coffee and be alone. Something I haven't been able to do much latley. Something I adore. I don't know... guess it's just something i love.

But i hsould go to bed, more job hunting tommorow.