and one that i hate.

I just um. Well last year i mentioned a few times about drunken whore-dom. That it was simply making out and hands, nothing more. and it's true. that is all that it was. The problem is that most people don't belive or know that. they think it was alot more.

I didn't realize that until tonight. I had been getting hints and bits of it, but never really realized the whole thing.

There is a definate differnce in the way that the group of boys we often hang out with treat me, and the way they treat a couple of other my friends, especially my best friend. I always just thought it was because she was prettier than me and more outgoing. and I accepted that. She's just all around more likeable than me. Somehow I'm okay with that.

What i'm not okay with is what I've been noticing lately. I feel as if they know something that they shouldn't. Something I'm not very proud of. Something that I hate. its not so much what i did, but who it was with. it was same old nothing much, but it was still something with someone there should have been nothing with. Anyways. I finally realized what the bigger differnce, then them just preferring her over me was.

they respect her.

I lost that respect. Because of the way they view me. and i hate it. it's the last place i wantd to be. I think of myself as a respectable person. I'd even go as far to say, I'm the kind of person that demands respect. And i don't demand much of anything. I mean, my girls know the truth, and I know the truth. and that should be enough, but its not. its still bothering me.

And then. It all went overboard when one of the boys started calling me "washed-up." It was during our regular banter and name calling. but it stung. because i knew he saw truth in it.

washed up.

ouch.

I thought maybe i was just imagining things. and it was self-fabricated paranoia. So i asked my best friend for re-assurance. And when i said that i think all the boys might think i'm a slut, she simply agreed, that that was probably true.

wow. thanks.

now that's a fucking eye opener.

and i thikn one of the reasons that it bothers me, is she's just as bad as me. if not worse. its just because none of the boys she does anything with, knows any of our friends. thats the way to keep it. I should have known better. I should have known to do that. Or maybe had a little more self respect, self esteem and a bit less desperation for male attention.

you know, either way.

and now i don't know what to do with this.