i love my suitemates. i do. but sometimes i'm not sure what to think. and i know i'm not sure what they think. i know that we've all been getting a bit messy and a bit sloppy in all ways. i feel as if i'm to blame. because i'm the not-put-together one and apparently my presence makes this place fall apart. maybe they were just waiting to fall apart and i let them do that. i'm not sure. but the choas is no longer confined soley to my room. its running ramptant throughout the suite. its disgusting and amusing at the same time. my rooms still the worst though, i'm still the worst, though. it's kind of sad to know that your presence or being may deteriote someone else's sense of order and organization. I don't want to make people less than what they are. I want to help them be more and become better.

I think everyone has that affect sometimes though. Something about some people are just bad for eachother. Through the constant presence and contact with my best friend, i've picked up her eating habbits and her non-motivation to run, and it's making me gain weight, and that's nowhere i want to be. living with people and constantly involving yourself with them sometimes you get mixed up in them and their habbits and their words. its hard to seperate yourselves you catch yourself using their words, and they borrow yours and before you know it your not sure what you came in or what you brought to this thing or to these people. you only know what you left with--parts of them. then again i guess thats the beauty of friendship and relationships and people. the ability to affect others and become part of theirs lives and thoughts and words and hopes and plans. no one ever wants to be left out of the plans it seems.

i've been trying to distance myself a bit from my best friend. i can see that she occasionly gets hurt when i make plans with other people. which is frusterating because she can do it right in front of me. but when i do anything at all without her, it's rude or wrong or definatly worth a complaint. and a whimper of why she wasn't invited. even if its something she would totally hate. like a show or rock-concert. and so she goes fully dressed in her 'i'm bored' face and ready complaints and in a way takes away from the experince. I guess thats mean to say I just, i think sometimes she's bad for me. And in ways i'm bad for her. and i don't know the rest of these two and a half years. I don't know where i should be or what i'm going to do at the end of them and who i am going to accosiate myself with. just as i want the best for them i want the best for me too. maybe that is selfish and wrong. okay. it is selfish and wrong. but i have my reasons i do. i don't really feel like getting into them but i have them and to me they are valid, and to others they are valid. but she brings good things to. and i won't forget that. and i wont stop loving her for that and for those. and i love her for the bad things too. because she accepts mine just like i accept hers, but sometimes they are too much. sometimes i think we are too much for eachother. well more like she's too much, and i'm never enough.

these girls are my family though. people say friends are the family you choose. i agree whole heartedly. but then again-- how much choice is really involved? I think maybe people just kind of fall into eachother. i mean, consiounce decisions are made sometimes, but sometimes i think it just happens. I'm not entirely sure how you end up with the people you have or how you choose them or by what means and what standards you hold them to. but i know people definatly diss-choose friends. that is so much more complicated and messy though. it may not be on purpose but it can happen naturally and unaturally. Either way. people get hurt. and alli know is the friends you end up with, well. the friends I ended up with--i love so much. i love each of them indiviually but most of all i love our energy as a group. there's alot of it and we definatly live and feed off of eachothers energy and we're crazy and its only right. we are in constant prank wars, constantly jumping around and are in general chaos and confusion. we definatly confuse people that aren't us. and i like that. i mean we just fed the guys down the hall cookies frosted with toothpaste as a joke, have wedgie wars, prank wars, and large wrestling matches, just to name a few things. it's wild. and it's refreshing.

i love us.

and how many people can say that? and in the end, i guess thats all that really matters.