for something i feel like i can't have. or have lost. before i've even lost it at all.

I think of how much I want kids. Kids of my own, especially a little boy. I mean not any time soon, but one day. I don't know where this irrational fear is coming from. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something? I'm 19..its way to early to have kids.

I don't know if i talked about this before. But, there's this thing you can do with a necklace. It's often practiced in Latino families. You ask a person to hold out their hand, and you swing a pendant with a string attached (people usually just use necklaces). Anyways, by the way the pendant swings, people are said to be able to tell how many kids, and what sex they will be a person would have. We were doing it a lunch one day, and it started out in good fun. When it came to me, I got really nervous all out of a sudden. And this heavy feeling in my stomach. in my gut. I knew i mean I knew it was going to say no kids. Though no one else had gotten that result yet. And Sure enough, I did. I couldn't believe it. though i had expected it. I asked them to do it again, and sure enough, same result.

It was horrible because, i ended up crying over it. I know it's completely ridiculous. But I did. I just couldn't help it. Everyone swore how freaky it was and that it had never been wrong, that they did it to people that allready had kids and it was always right. I know-- it's something silly to believe in and be completley distraught about. But it only made my fear worse. and that's when the dreams started. I had other people try it, (apparently alot of people know how) and i got the same thing, every.fucking.time. Though other people were in consistent which made me feel better...and the people that were doing mine, allready knew they were redoing it because i was afraid that i would get no kids again. so maybe it affectd how they swung it..or something.(end self rationlization and comfort here)

I know. It's my choice to believe or not believe. See the thing is, people have told me if i believe it, it will probably come true (self fufilling prophecy maybe i don't know.) and if i don't it won't.

i'm afraid that i believe it.

But one thing i've noticed, that necklace thing, doesn't really affect anybody.

except for the people that get "no kids." as their result.