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In One Breath
2006-04-22

I wish i could stay angry at someone.

Anyone. I know that's an odd thing to wish for. But it's literally something I am incapable of. and it makes other people angry with me, becuase i forgive so quickly and easily. that i really do let by gones be by gones. when i shouldn't, and when it does not only affect me, but others too.

Yet it still does effect me. alot. Which some people don't uderstand. just because i may not be angry, much of the time a lesson has been learned.

"How can you talk to that person, i can't believe you." With a disgusted look. I hear it alot.

A friend of mine recently brought up to me saying "I've heard you hate and forgive in the same breath, so many times now."

It makes me feel...weak. Probably because in that aspect I definetely am. Because at some point its not just being forgiving. it reaches a point of being stupid and just asking, no... begging to be hurt. hurt and used.

You know, when i talked about "the friend" (his name was Ben btw) who put me through emotional hell for at least a good 3 months and who i knew was not stable and should stay far far away from him, after our whole freindship break and him stopping by my house even though i had asked to never talk to him again (and to think i'm so mad at josh for cutting me off--yet i forgot i had done this once too. though the situation was substantially differnt anyways ) I still thought about him sometimes. A year after the last time i saw him, and told him to stay away from me.. I ran into him. I ran into him at this popular Hookah Bar that he and my brother and i used to frequent. I was with a bunch of friends none of who knew him-- only knew of him, i decided to be polite and say hi-- our presence to eachother was undeniable and in the end unavoidable. (we were seated close to eachother) So i did. He barely said a word, said "whoa didn't expect to see you here" and then turned back to his friends. It didn't even really sting, i could understand him hating me.

Or trying to. Anyways a few days later he left me an email saying he was nervous and didn't know what to do when he saw me, left me his new cell phone number. I told my brother about it and my brother said if Ben ever contacted me again to let him know, and that it would be taken care of.

But here's the part i never wanted to admit. Well I never have. eventually..I did call. It was sometime in the afternoon, a saturday or something im pretty sure, and he was drunk. And not just drunk-- like completley plastered. He said he didn't think i would call-- i was sorry that i had. he was more of a mess than i had left him. Sadly, I think i had something to do with that.

I called one more time, a few days later. He was drunk out of conciousness again. Couldn't even formulate words, how or why he even picked up the phone i'm not really sure. I just hung up..I haven't called since. Or seen or talked to him. that was at least two years ago now? Maybe a year, who knows. But i have thought back to him. I still think that getting away from him was the right thing to do. At the same time, I still can't hate or even be mad at him, only pity for him.

which could be an even worse thing of me to do.

I'm sure he's over it by now. But, I wonder about the rest of his problems, and his depression and if he got help...

I don't really know wehre I'm going with this. Just alot of people i should be mad at, I just have been letting run over me lately. And the worst part of all is, i'm glad to do it.

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