I don't feel any call to greatness, or fame, or need to try and being something out of the ordinary? I mean obviously i want to be the best person i can be..but i'm no means looking for some huge pay off in life, or to be recogonized. or feel as if i'm destined to do some humanity changing event in life. I mean, most people don't achieve such things, but how many people aspire to? I mean as a kid, how many people wanted to be a rockstar, or actress, or a writer or in the very least, someone that saves the world in some way?

I mean, of course i'm sure the thought of it being "nice" to have all thoset hings crosses everyones mind, but i mean. Is it just a pure lack of ambition on my part? Or maybe i'm just too old, to want such things?

I want to be a nurse. I want to meet people, I want to have life enriching realtinoships, with these people that i meet. I mean i do want to mean something to somebody. But i guess all i'm saying is that i don't need to me anyting to everybody.

I guess, I'm just trying to say i'm okay with a small life.

In some ways i feel is wrong. Maybe I'm resignin myself. With my recent ambition to be a nurse, in that "what i wanna be when i grow up-- yet it's time to do something about it cause holy fuck im 20, and in college going for a business degree for apparently no reason at all" kind of way. The nursing things ia w hile differnt issure for another time. But, I don't know. I feel like i should be aspiring to be some head executive of some big corporation, as if its the only way i would ever make my dad proud. (oh wait i thought this was supposed to be about me?) yet every time i think of my future and the real world and whati want to be when i grow up, is what my Dad would think of it. And knowing me, i'd just be another suit in some large confusing cubicle world. I would be on Office Space. My lack of ambition and confidince and leadership, makes me feel like i'll end up nowhere. And that scary realization that i've never really been great at anything i've done. Above Average at best. I'm not sure why either...

I knew this guy once. He loathed the idea of mediocracy so much, that he would rather be the worst, than be mediocre. Always would talk about how he would laugh at "them" and their triviality. Sometime i think "they" were really us, we just weren't supposed to know. As in not to offend us to our faces, but we all knew. I dont wnat to be meiocore, thats not what im saying. just the simple life...Medicore scares me. i think it scares alot of ppl. scares all the same, because of how easy it is. How American of us.

But, look at him. I mean, he's alone and an alcoholic, just going over the problems he's made over and over. Letting his wonderful mind go to waste.

Well, it's definatley not mediocre, but probably not quiet what he had in mind.

I guess i just gotta make my way, and push for ambition. Because i guess i can't help but share that fear with that guy. and i somehow feel that hte acceptance (or even desire) for a small life is resinging myself to mediocracy.

But it's not..i do want to be the best i can be in whatever i do, even if its small.

I guess its only natural to fear such a fate of mediocracy. But lucky for me, that guy has given me something bigger to fear. I just don't wnat to end up alcholic and alone and thinking i'm better than everyone else.