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Typical Me
2006-11-05

I think i came home this weekend to try and rectify my relationship with my parents.

I missed my mom alot the past few weeks. I'm not sure if i've missed my mom alot past the age of 15.

I don't know what i thought 3 days would do, a usual 3 days too. I tried to spend time with them, i really did. I spent a bit of time with my mom but. Just. Everyone doing their own thing is so much easier. more natural.

I agreed to dinner with them tonight. But it wasn't just a dinner. A guy my mom knew from work had a live band and was playing at this bar/club thing. I wanted to spend the time with my parents, so i went. Luckily the lady didn't realy care that i was under 21.. nothing but boredom lead up to waiting for the band. And when the band came on the boredom turned to awkwardness. The bar was full of people in their 30's-50's, and then my parents and myself. I felt realy out of place and under dressed. eventually a man who wasn't bad looking at all came up to me and asked me to dance. I said "no," I mean i was with my parents, he was 40, and i wasn't feeling the music. It seemed logical enough to me...

But both my parents jumped my case about it. Saying how i should have danced with him. My parents then decided that THEY would go dance and leave me up against a wall all by myself. A light purple shirt and a black wall. I stuck out so bad it hurt my eyes. I whined that i didn't want to be left, because i didnt want to be a light purple shirt slumped against a black wall. I did not want to be a wallflower even if the club was people mostly 30 plus. I went to go dance with my parents but they kept making me feel guilty for turning that 40 year old down..

I then got really paranoid that he was watching me dance with my parents and that his feelings were hurt. I'm sure he was drunk and didn't care but i felt bad for saying no. and felt worse because my parents kept pestering me. On top of that i didn't recognize most of the music the band was playing and wasn't entirely sure how to dance to it. I don't think 30-50 year olds could handle or would like this 20 years old dancing. I think that was another factor of saying "no" to the 40 year old.

Anyways, i ended up getting overly shy and petrified and refused to dance. I didn't have the support of freinds, people my age, alcohol, or even a beat i liked. at least one is required if you want me to dance. I realized i was bringing down my parents mood, so i decided to leave. My dad insisted (well, my mom insisted that my dad walked me) on walking me to my car, and on the way out he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me. And informed me that i'm my own worst enemy and that i need to learn have fun. ( i have plenty of fun, just not around my parents. which is inexcusable i agree)

I drove all the way home (getting lost in downtown first) beating myself up. Wishing i had stayed, wishing i would have just said yes, i mean its only dancing. Wishing i wasnt so lame, that i hadn't been so boring. Wondering what the fuck, is wrong with me.

They came home a few hours later, to find me sitting in front of the computer, as always. (there is very little to do at home, i tend to use the computer alot when i'm here.)

I felt comforted, i always do when i use it before bed, the glow calms me, or something. They just felt that i was being typical.

which is dissapoiting im sure. It was exaclty what I wasn't trying to be.

Typical me.

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