<body>
Books.
2006-12-21

I wish that the things you grow up reading and watching and believing were true. That they could continue to inspire and move and that they were what stood to be true.

But, sadly. Slowly the ideals that you grow up are replaced by realities. of course it happens to us all, it is losing our innocence, but along with innonce goes our optimism ? That the very ideals now provoke some sense of bitterness or resement towards those who are able to live holding on to these things? That make it out of childhood and teenagerdom and 20s unscathed? How many people really make it that far?

It's easier to take the experinces around you, watch what people go through, hear what they say, see how they end up. That is so much easier and so much clearer than a few words. Beautiful words, but they are just words. They hold no weight.

I have no choice. But to hear my older brother, drunk out of his mind, and crying, that sometimes love is just not enough. Because in the end, its just not. and he's so real and so there and so much pain in his voice that THIS has to be real. and i wish what i read and what i saw in the movies was. But he is tangible and so is his suffering and i hate it.

I think what scared me even more than my brother, is my mom. We were discussing how we miss R. and God, do we miss R. But anyways, she said he might want to spend the rest of his life in Japan. Obviousy (and quiet selfishy so) I got upset. Because I don't want to be without one of my brothers. My mom said she was upset too, but she was glad for him. At least he was doing what he wanted to do. She said that she thought that wanting a person to "be Happy" in life, was too much to ask for but at least he's doing what he wants to do.

That scared me. And brought all kind of questiosn to mind. and made me wonder how my parents marriage is. If happiness is attainable in life. If that's a silly goal. 50 something years now and she feels this way. Has seen so much more than me i feel like i should take her word.

But i'm not ready to yet. Because it scares me. i may not have made it out entirely unscathed, but i like to think i have a little something left.

And I'm worried about her.

<< then &hearts now >>

profile
Listen up.

links.

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

affiliates
omfggwtf
tattoobelly
rhetoric
tinfoilheart
hotwaterlove
srslyimeanit
duplicitous
evilyoyo
smartypants
weetabix
thecity
symmetries
over-rated
shot-of-tea
kellifornia
agitated
traumatease
slickasgrace
dirty-a-sid
absolutgal82
faultyvision
symmetree
priceless
punkunicorn
s-i-l-v-e-r
dandelionkat
destinedstar
ladiebug
pinupgirl
crimsonstar
limbless

credits
This blogskin is proudly presented to you by Anna May.

hosted by DiaryLand.com