I am not proud of myself in anyway. I hate my life and the place that i'm at. I hate that i'm gliding by. Well more like sneaking by. I'm only still idleing at college because i've continously gone to great lengths to lie about my grades the last two semesters. The more appraisal i get for these "grades" the less i can stomach the thought of myself.

Actually i can't stomach thought of myself. And i think thats what is coming out in these dreams. They are eating me. And i deserve it.

Now, I sit here writing about what a horrible person I am for lying about my grades. Yet, I even worse is that i know that i will do nothing to remedy them either. Well the grades themselves, yes. I'm taking extra classes and summer school to make up for what i have failed. But, the lies no. Because courage is apparently completley lost on me. Because honesty takes courage, and i can't even be completely honest with myself or this diary. My mom yells at me and asks when i'm going to grow up. I wish i knew. I know i have all the right ideas, and if i'm caffinated enough all the right ambitions. But that's how its always been. The ambition and ideas were always the easy parts.

Action. That is what i lack. That is why my life is living me. That is why i'm alone in almost every sense of the word. Is it all pure laziness? Can one person actually be that lazy? Laziness paired with no self confidence is everything i've been warned about and been told not to be. And here I am. I'm going to drown in my faults and my ambition.

And this laziness is reflected in everything around me. My life is satiated in it. It drips from everything; From my room, to my relationships with my family and freinds to my horrible grades. It surrounds me and its unforgiving. how can i have let it slowly eaten every part of my life. Maybe i didn't notice it because it's not done or cuase by actual action. It's done by inaction. who ever knew it could be so powerful. I guess only those who allow it. By letting time pass, by no effort. see. thats the key though, i let it happen. Am letting it happen. This is why i'm unhappy, why i'm in such a shitty place in my life. and why can't i fucking change. i know it's up to me. and this all soudns so fucking pathetic. I'm embarassed and want to erase this. But I'm keeping this up here. Just so someone other than me, can actual visualize what complete crap i am.

God. Why am in college? I honestly don't deserve to be here. And i know it my freinds know it and my parents know it. They all think it. My parents even say it. The worst part is i am completely aware that i do not deserve this..But. I don't do anything about it. I've grown comfortable here. It's easy here. Easy as in the life style i have my friends and this life and i like it. And to not have school and to not have college is to go to the unknown and every person hates the unknown.

And god. I just hope i can fucking redeem myself some-how. I feel like the truth is the only way to do it. But i tell myself if I get good grades for all the rest of my time its okay and it was all worth it and deserved. That it is in some way forgivable.

In the back of my mind i know its not. Shit. I have lied so much about my grades. I honestly don't deserve this at all.

Fuck. I am such a piece of shit.

And the worst part of it all is i'm 100% aware of it. and won't do anything about it.

And. I deserve to be ruined by my dreams. I also know if my parents ever find out i will be disowned.

And i will deserve it.

We all know i deserve nothing. Why do they keep giving? Why do they put any faith or hope or effort in me?

Sometimes i wish they didn't. I wish they just didn't care and treated me like shit and didn't pay for me or my college or food or house or care about me at all.

and why? selfish reasons. so i could clear my concsiouness. and my fuck ups wouldnt effect them. and i wouldn't have to lie anymore.

GROW THE FUCK UP ALLREADY.

for fuck sakes.

I deserve for these dreams to consume me. I hope it hurts. I'm pretty much begging for any form of punishment.

Ugh. Why am i such shit.