So here I am. I have no idea how deep this is but i can tell i'm starting to feel it creeping at my knees. And i know for the next few weeks its going to be alot more wading than walking. Hopefully the shit doesnt get so high i can't breathe. It wouldn't be the first time i tried to breathe tangibles.

I really have no clue. And there's no point in attempting to recount because i've tried a million times allready. my memory fails me again. the cells are gone that held whatever was said and wasn't meant. and every sip of schnapps they got farther away from me and even farther from the truth. Simply not caring what came out of my mouth, aware i would have to deal with you and the fact that i'm an asshole and i simply wanted your affection. and fleetingly so.

It's honestly one of the most selfish things i have ever done, and I am so sorry. But every time i'm this kind of drunk i wake up with a new "most selfish thing". and i'm not blaming the alcohol, im blaming me. Because alcohol only amplifes and un inhibits what is allready there.

I do love you though. That's not a lie. Just not in the way that you hope.

or that i let you believe.

I am sorry. I wish that with alcohol came courage. and not shitty word vomity courage where my loose and vauge affections indiscriminatley pour out of my words, but the kind where i could do the oppisete. instead find clarity and honesty and logic. but i know that would break you. but when i find my way to the bottom its not clarity i'm simply drowning in something that is endless because it won't freeze, and it can't be stopped. it's gained momentum because its gravity. and it pulls me down with it. correction. i let myself be pulled down with it. to the bottom of the bottle, the bottom of a sink, the bottom of my stomach.

I am so sorry.

You will end up hating me, again. And as always you have my worst in your hands and you have the choice to ruin me, like you've always had. Maybe you'll take it this time.

Maybe you should

maybe it would make me stop looking for the answer at the bottom bottles. or at least i could remind myself what happened last time i tried.

Not that im an alcoholic or anything. But once i drink at all, i get the instantaneous urge to get not just drunk, but wasted out of my mind.

Which happens. And i can't find it in the morning.

I still don't know what i was thinking.

I am sorry you have to suffer for it again.
But, I somehwhat take solace that i know you're going to make me suffer for it too.