i dont really know what to say.

there's something to be said for mortality though i guess. and humanity. and growth and stubborness. and the hope to change and the failing to do so. and family and blood and traits and bonds. and the un wavering belief in your family that you can be a better person. and they are generous enough to let you believe that they believe that there will be/ can be change.

the family continues to try and change an 83 year old man. while we still all scramble to change ourselves. theres anger and theres kindness. and it goes back and forth. from him and to them. he pushes and pulls them. his anger becomes their anger. his anger at himself and his boredom becomes their anger at him and theirselves. and when there is kindness shown to anyone i think everyone gets a breath of forgivness for him to him and to themselves and the others.

I think that lot of us need some forgiveness lately. and maybe some alcohol.

i think theres been quiet a bit more of one than the other, i'm sure you can guess which more and which is less.

my grandma had a heart attack. she's okay. but she's scared. my mom is scared. we are scared. everyone's scared. my mom is falling apart in fear of what may come. and it makes her so human, and thats so...eye opening. she's always done a good job of retaining the super mom image. and it was surreal to see her unravel at 2am. and trying my best to be there for her. i felt like the mom, even if for only a 30 minutes at the forgotten hours of the morning on a small day. its funny to think that parents are allowed do that to. allowed to be human. they've always been so good at hiding it.its crazy what they will show you as an adult.

Though its hard to watch at the same time i am selfishly greatful for them showing themselves to me. i want to know them as much as i can know them. all sides of them and all parts of them. just so i know that i did when i had the chance.

I love my grandma. i spent alot of time with her this summer. she's adorable. and little and giving and selfless and funny.

i don't want to forget that. i spent all week with her and my mom and my family.

it was nice. family is nice. im so glad i can say that. i was afraid i hadn't come far or anywhere at all in the past few years. and i know im probably not as differnt as i want to be and i know that i have come as far as i've wanted to come but at least i have realized a few things. im slowly learning not to take this amazing family for granted.

they are fucking amazing. i am in awe. even though there is anger and alcohol and greed and fights and confusion and whatever else there may be. in the end there is always love. i think its because its all the same anger and confusion and whatever else. we all have the same vices. what is theirs has become mine has become ours. and as much as there is of that there is always the wanting the best for those around you and those related to you and those closest to you.

and how many can fucking say that?

god. i love my family.