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2008-02-02

my mom is currently picking up her parents and bring them to our house.

she is hiding them from her sister. because she is afraid she is going to try and "steal" them away to live in LA this weekend-- because my aunt hinted that would be her course of action while on the phone with my mom.

this family is nutty.

i fear i share the same anomaly.

i was having a breakdown in the car talking to my brother crying about my mom and my relationship and the absolute crap that it is. and all i could think about this huge fight i've always been having with her, its like one fight all strung together. it doesn't really matter what its about because its always ends the same and ends up being about the same thing in the end, anyways. and it's just ugh. all i could do was sit there on the phone with my brother and sob.

and all i could think over and over is "i don't want to do this to my kids. please god don't ever let me do this to my kids."

it's enough to make me re consider wanting to have kids at some point in my life. my mom cant help the way she is. and i cant help that im just like her. and she got it from her grandpa who got it from his mom. and so it goes back in time. i don't want it to go foreward too. but all things considered, and all the problems we could have, this really is nothing compared to everything else that could go wrong with a family or person. that generally we lead happy healthy lives. that we are much luckier than most.

and that realization made me want kids even less.

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