and i don't think anyone's given me the benefit of the doubt like this for a long time. and i feel like if i don't tell you everything or let you see all the way through, maybe by the time you get to that point i will have changed and it will have become true.

and i will be good at those kind of things. like you need me to be.

and we can start over and i can help you with your homework and i can be the dedicated student i always wanted to be and that you made me out to be and it worries me that you somehow see me grounding you because i was always the one who uprooted everyone else. or had them clawing at me trying to bring me back down.

if i can be the rock this could be differnt and i would know how to be anything other than chaos. and i did it once, for the boy but that made more sense. he was in a deeper place with differnt problems. and your and my problems are almost the same, and i think you are better at fixing them than me honestly, though we are both pretty bad at it. and with the boy, things were easier then and i wasn't as uprooted and wasn't quiet as aware of how ungreat i was at these kind of things yet.

and now i am and your already looking at me for help and i'm scared cause i know i will only dissapoint you. and i'm afraid that you will become as lost and misguided as i am now.

but for whatever reason i love that you see me as responsible and older and capable and you respect me. i have never had those things before and i want to hang on to them or have you hang onto that image. even as you get to know me better.

but i know it will unravel and unravel quickly. i like that most people know and accept me for the mess that i am, but to be regarded differntly is refreshing and terrifying.

see. the tables have already turned. simply by looking to me for help you are the one grounding me.