"oh your his baby girl. he can't dislike you. he loves you." sometimes love is not enough. and he didn't even say he "loves me." he said loved. yes loved as in, "i once had love for you, but no longer. because of the actions and choices you have made. i felt betrayed and backstabbed." & all this time and all this desperation for approval and attention and just so you would have an ounce of fucking pride. & i just wondered.

and you finally told me what was so bad that i had done. i knew i had done alot of bad things, but to me. they weren't all that bad. they were mere child's play, a fleeting sense of greed. of needing to keep my life going in the same direction. the direction that you wanted, but in a less genuine way that you had intended.

mom wants me to write you a letter. but i'm just not ready for that. because i know i couldn't help but include how wounded i am. and then you would see me & just say how i tried to victimize my self. and thats no true. i now realize how i wronged you. and i guess i was never old enough, or expeirnced or mature enough to see what effect it really had on you. It hurts. I hate that i hurt you. that i lost your trust and respect. i knew all these things had happened but i didn't know how. i didn't know when was the exact moment, you decided you no longer had anything to do with me. when the exact moment of "disconnect" was. your words, not mine. that you lost me. you were never near me but kept a hand out to keep pushing me away, further & further.

the only connection is the same blood runs through our veins. and our ugly noses and deep brown eyes.

i do love you, alot. i'm sorry for how i wronged you. all i can do is try and make it better. this better. us better. i want you to let me be your daughter again. and i want you to be proud of me. and i am slowly taking steps to make myself that kind of a person. and i know that i'm far from it but God. I wanted to be that person all my life. and i think honestly, had you told me earlier, i would have made steps earlier. you have no idea how much i want to make this better. mend this.

please forgive me. thank you for telling me, finally. i realize i still am angry and bitter and so are you. and that is because as much as you hate it and as much as you fight it, we are the same. i feel like i am more like you than i am like anyone else.

i don't want to be another broken relationship in your life. i watch your family members slip away from you, and you say you don't care. watch you push them along. and i understnad, they have no right. but. mom says you are the most forgiving person she's ever met. i don't believe that. i can't even see you forgive?

to me, with you it was always black and white. there was no grey. i am the dark and you are the light. you do almost no wrong. which has always mystified me. stupified me. how could one person be so genuine? why can't i be like that? there are things you learn from life. there are things passed through blood. there are things that stem from choices you make. i guess your goodness is choices because i would be better if it was in the blood. "where did i go wrong with you." i dont know, dad.

but at least now, i know where i went wrong.

and it's time to try and fix it. its going to be slow. very very slow. and six months three months two months, they will all feel like forever.

just know, i am working on it. and don't be too hard on me. please.