thoughts flow
2008-08-06
i keep thinking what it will be like when it ends and what actions i take because its true that in the end its only break up or marriage. and i dont wanna be hurt and i dont want to do this but i dont wanna marry you either or yet. and its weird. and we both talk about what our kids would look like or be like sometimes but whenever that happens i never imagine myself as your wife, oddly only as your baby's momma. but it still makes me think of how you would be such a good dad and i would be such a horrible mom. too selfish and too messy and too clueless and too dependant. and even you said you didnt know what kind of mom i would be and that was you not lying but trying to be nice by saying what we both know. i cant see me being a mother while sometimes i do get maternal feelings towards some people they are so rare and sporadic how could i have them for 18 years. i feel like i would be calling my mom everyday asking for her advice and i would be so lost and i wonder if the kid would be loved and see somehow while i think of what a bad mom i would be, i still imagine how we would only be seeing the kid one at a time, because somehow i know we arent going to end up together. i can just feel it. and maybe not as foolish to think like i thought about the boy. but even then i knew that wouldn't be forever. and this isn't forever. you are fun and adorable and you are sweet and selfish and silly and stubborn and flirty (with all girls not just me) and these are good things and these are bad things. and i love you for them but i just love you. i dont think im in love you and im sorry to break it to you. and god knows that i wont break it to you and i dont have the balls to and im secretly or not so secretly (your a smart guy and you catch on fast) am just hoping that this love with transform to something else and things would be easier and happier and then maybe i would really see us being together in a real way, a more permanent way.but. no reason to worry about that. take it day by day i guess. which is what you hate about me, no plans, just let it flow. but why plan out a relationship i never know how im going to feel or how you are going to feel or how you or i or we are going to re act to things. i understanding planning your life and your job and everything else but there is no plan for you and me. not yet. because i dont want there to be. just let me do this how i want to do it and you can do it your way and maybe we'll meet in the middle and maybe we wont.
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