by now, the bf has heard my shmeal on october about 10 times, and pretty sure he stopped caring half way into the first one.

but i can't help it. i truly love the month. there's alot of things to love about it. the smell in the air, the beautiful colors, i love fall fashions, the feeling of something new (while its
technically the end of the old, it feels new because it brings a new year of school which can often feel like a whole new life), Love Fest, pumpkin flavored things, pumpkin picking, apple orchids, the turn of the weather, and of course halloween.

Now, Halloween was a really big deal at my college. so of course, i got really excited about it this year trying to think of the perfect costume. all i needed was a theme. but, after dragging the bf to the third halloween store, i realized he wasn't having fun anymore. and then i realized, i wasn't having fun anymore either.

i couldn't figure out why i was so lost on what to wear, becuase it had always been an easy decision in the past. and then i realized, that this halloween will be nothing like the past few years. i have no one to theme myself with, the bf simply doesn't care...and after him in this new (old) town i'm pretty much out of people to dress up with. i miss my friends. i miss the girls. & further than that, i miss simply having female freinds. the kind of freinds that would allready be talking about what theme to dress up for Halloween, in the first few weeks of September. or shopping. or being able to talk about cute guys. or watching sex & the city. or just being able to completley relax and be myself. or just being able to connect on a fully female level, even if its somewhat shallow.

its something i don't have anymore.

and of course, this got me on the spiral. of how i miss my friends, i miss my college, my life, the bay. everything with the costumes just made the fact that things are never going to be they way they used to be, so fucking loud.

and so we we're in the car driving on our way home from the last halloween store and i had tears in my eyes and i feel stupid, because yadda yadda things change life moves on, you grow up, look at it with fondness cherish it etc. and i knew that the bf would just be annoyed, give me the same lecture.

so i just sat. all teary eyed looking out the window.

i know that that section of my life is over. and i know that thinking of it, longing for it..its too early to be called nostalgic. i think at this point, its just being pathetic.

but fuck. i miss you guys.