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the last 7 months
2008-12-02

i hate her. everyone in your life, hates her. even your mom hates her.

and its not because we don't like her as a person. actually 90% of us don't even know her. but we hate her for what she did to you. how she walked all over you, humiliated you. time and time again. how you let her.

and i can understand not being able to let go of someone. believe me, i can. but still. I have done all i could to treat you well. i have done my fucking best to show you how much i love you.

at the start of the relationship you still were in love with her. talked to her behind my back. and, i let it go, because well i wasn't entirely aware of it. and by the time i started to get an understanding of how deep everything really goes, i was too deep into the relationship. too attached, and i told myself it would only take time.

and for a while i thought i had won. really and truly i thought that it was you & me because that was what you said. i was unaware of how much you lied at this subject at that point. until your birthday a few months ago. and fuck you for that. but it was your birthday. so i let it go.

but now its been 7 months. and i still can't fucking win. every time we fight its about her. her fucking texting you almost every night. calling you every couple of weeks. trying to wedge her way back into your life. and let me tell you, she made her way into this-- OUR relationship months ago. because you let her. and now she's just creeping around. she's under the seems. she's in undusted corners. your personal white elephant you carry on your back. your shoulders. weighing you down. always there.

and i can't help but know you are going to break one day. maybe you already have. do you text her when i'm not there?

Now, i did tell him/encourage a friendship between the two of them. because i thought it might be healthier for him. but that doesn't seem to be what this is. texting literally almost every night? i was talking about catching up every month or so. or even every other month, like me & the boy do. because there is nothing there. nothing left of me and the boy except for occasional curiosity and a in-crisis need based relationship. and we like it that way. friends, but not. healthy. clean break and wounds sewn up and healed.

this isn't like that. AND being the person i am, i finally broke down to a close mutual friend of the bfs and mine. i told him what was up, how she called two weeks ago to "apologize" for how she treated him and everything she had done, like you can fucking apologize for that kind of thing. and then she texted him to see "what was up" shortly after. and then she's been texting about every other day suddenly. anyways the mutual friend (who is one of the bf's best freinds, the guy who introduced us) said from the sounds of it, he's pretty sure that the bf is encouraging her. maybe purposely, maybe not. but he is talking to her, he is almost positive.

and if i've learned anything in the past 6 months, guys know guys. and they definitley know their best friends.

and oddly. i'm not that even mad at her, as much as i hate her. because she is trash, and not much more is expected of her and her attention whoring ways. i'm more mad at him. no, seriously. fuck him. if what i think is going on is going on, then i. am. fucking. done.

because that would mean, we got nowhere in the last 5 months. because, he doesn't want to get anywhere. that he would rather cling on to someone that treats him like shit. that only wants his attention as long as its not hers to have. you know the second he told her he was available, she would stop talking to him again. i know this. he knows this. maybe its the only thing stopping him who fucking knows.

the only thing i do know, is its breaking my heart. that its been breaking my heart for the last 7 months.

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