anyways. i feel like i'm being pulled in a million differnt directions. one is my family, another is two seperate groups of friends and the third is the bf. ig uess i never realized how much time the bf and i really do spend together until everyone else was in town. now that i finally have other things to do and people to see, while he still expects to see me almost every day makes him somehow seem over affectionate and demanding. so, instead of saying no, i tote him along to whatever i'm doing. taking him place he doesn't fit, places that i would rather talk to the people i haven't seen and won't see for months, and instead of enjoying my time with them, i'm concentrated on his mopey self. trying to make sure he's not too bored not too sober not too anything.

and he's done it for me a million times before, so it's not like he doesn't deserve the attention. but i also realize i take away from his friends and events and whatever else. and with everyone pointing out how much time we spend together and calling it unhealthy and the pull of all these people and his unwillingess to not be a part of whatever im doing that day is starting to make me feel trapped or cornered or suffocated.

and i never thought i'd feel that way with him. but i am. i want a break, of at least a few days. something unthinkable at any other point in our relationship thus far.

anyways last night was still fun. he jived with the guys well, which i was pleasantly suprised. guys i haven't seen for years. since post-boy breakup drunken stupor stage. i almost didn't recognize one of them. all of them have changed so much. lesser, chubbier versions of their former selves. they all came undone so quickly. they used to be SO in shape, and quiet attractive. now they just look..sloppy. it must of been all the college, or all the stress or all the work or non work or grad school, who knows. it was just insane to see how fast they came undone.

physically at least. we had all been coming undone at the same time four summers ago, together. drinking and smoking and working it away as best we could. i guess it caught up with them, because we were doing all the same things we used to do last night. except we were old enough to actually go to a bar and drink there.

which is why i'm so fucking exhausted today. i just can't keep up with my self from four years ago. i dont think any of us could.

though, this is where the i'm a horrible person part comes in. but i have to say it. it feels good to be in shape, much better shape than i was then. to be noticed by people who found themselves far too good for me, and also to show up with a stable and loving boyfriend. maybe i had a few things to say to some of those boys one who had broke my heart and one who, i hadn't treated so well myself. it was just weird to look at them and think of how differnt things were the last timei saw them and there was a messy love triangle that ended badly, with absolutely no one satisifed, though one person didn't really care. but it was nice to be able to walk back into that situation with confidence. to be like, hey i've spend these years to try and better myself. though, they have accomplished more than me with their educations.

i don't know. i mean i guess its just nice to know that i haven't totally let go of myself. yet.