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19
2009-08-06

i've been having bad dreams about things i used to love.

& completley unrelated but talk about perspective. one minute im self obsessing over this 300$ purse at nordstroms i cant afford and the next i am thankful that i walk.

i picked up a journal entry my aunt had sent my dad about the day she found out he had been injured. i learned how it happaned. i mean, i always knew how it happened. but i learned how it really happened. All the grim details i never asked. Waited for him to divulge, or let him keep them. its something i try not to ask about. i know he's shared much more of his life and himself with my brothers. i learned way too much from that entry. i feel like i should have known all that allready. At the same time, how do you say, tell me about the worst day of your life.

the litter made him re live things he would rather not re live. i don't want to do the same.

i want to know him. but i don't want to hurt him. i know he's probably had to tell people a million times over. i know that skipping over the details is a necessity. god. i can't even imagine being 19 and coping and facing the things he did. FUCKING 19. somehow i never realized he was so fucking young.

jesus.

i know he doesn't want to tell because he doesn't want to give people a chance to feel sorry for him. i don't pity him. i get angry with him. no, for him. he's done being angry. but its just so unfair. nineteen and a runner and handsome and energetic and smart, and J:LSD

im glad. im glad he didn't let it eat him all the way. that he moved on that he's made everything out of himself.

i'm just so proud. that he's my dad. and i love him so much. and im just so fucking proud.

i love you dad. you have taught me so much more than you know.

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