i've put a year into this meaningless job and i see no end to it any time soon. it goes on and on and on. i was exhausted from the repetition and boredom and then i added another job on top of it in some small hope more money and spending would fix this shitty feeling.

i show up and waste the money i've earned on nothing worthwhile and i feel like this is all there is or everything after school will feel like this no matter where it is or what i'm doing.

and i feel like i've given up on traveling. because nothing ever goes the way its supposed to. because i don't have the will power or discipline to make things happen that won't happen on their own. i feel like everything is out of reach and i'm just giving into the pressure because i have no choice and all those dreams i was holding out for are passed and impossible. and right now he is the only good (new) thing in my life and why not give into him?

honestly i havent even dreamed of africa in a really long time. or really thought about anything other than being able to drag myself out of bed for another day and night of never ending jobs.

im constantly tired and constantly bored. i would like the last 2 years of my life back. and i am getting older and things are not necessarily getting harder, just more real.