Once drunk, he outwardly expresses his disappointment and annoyance that I�m still in school. That he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. Mind you, R spent just as long in school. But his wasn�t because he fucked up so hard the first 3 years, he simply changed majors and couldn�t get the classes he needed in some cases.

Mine is dragging on for all kinds of reasons. But mostly, I just had too much fun. Really, I spent an entire 3.5 years solely dedicated to having fun, and occasionally showing up to classes. While this was a foolish choice, and the ZERO FUN in the proceeding 2.5 years has more than made up for it, I kind of giggle at the thought when I get really upset about myself for it. The stupid thing is it all feels so long ago. And I am still being punished for it on a daily basis. Through both my family and the limitations of things I am able to participate in or apply for in school. I end up getting really upset. And then I think how many people past the age of 5 can say they spent that much time of their life fully dedicated to having fun. I mean, it�s a small (maybe slightly pathetic) comfort but at least its there.

Anyway. So I volunteered to help my dad at his job unpaid. Because, at the time I could. Now I still can, but I�m a lot busier and a lot more tired. Enough excuses, I flaked out. Bad. I no called no showed, for no reason. I just. I don�t even know. I had taken a 2 week hiatus while I got my school shit together + the cold, so I figured what was one more day, I did not give an official I AM COMING BACK date. But apparently my dad had considered my saying �T-TH is my available days this semester� as commitment that I would be there Tuesday morning. Then again, I don�t think that was unreasonable of him.

Anyway. Woke up to my dad calling and my mom screaming asking if I was coming in Today. Which I was anyway, but later in the day. (the hours are kind of fluid, at least this is the arrangement I have with my dad�s employee that oversees me, but my dad was unaware of this fact.) so now they think I am flaking out TWICE and the only reason I�m coming in is because of the ruckus this morning, which is purely false. I do not get up at 8:30 in the morning for the fun of it people.

Its just upsetting because I�m sick of sucking so bad. I really thought I was mature enough, and ready to do this. Which was the whole point of volunteering myself. I wanted to prove to my dad all of those things he thought about me were not true. I was overly confident in my ability to be responsible I guess. I never even imagined what would happen if I had failed. I didn�t even give myself the option to think of this.

But I can�t even handle showing up on designated days? I guess I just couldn�t take the job seriously, especially because everything was so relaxed. And half the time I�d show up and they would just tell me to go home, or the person that was supposed to be there wasn�t so I�d just sit there twiddling my thumbs. Anyways. I still should have gone on Tuesday. And I realize I fucked up. And im still trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me.

Or maybe I really am just worthless. Which is currently looking like the most plausible explanation.

No reason to dwell on it though. Just try to prove myself further. Have to work harder now. And be less of a retard. Um yeah.