two of my wisdom teeth decided to come in and the entire left side of my mouth hurts. bad. i wish i just got them out when i was supposed to.

anyways things between dan and i aren't the greatest. we got in a small fight about big things. he said something about proposing in the next six months and i freaked. i'm just so not there yet. and the whole thing kind of terrified me. and i feel even worse because i didn't hide it at all. because i was trying to be honest. but i think i was too honest. because a fight ensued and he was hurt. which i cant blame him for obviously. at the same time he was trying to almost pressure me into it? which made me mad. how does that make any sense. what good would come of that other than me saying yes in guilt? which he knows if he pushes enough or showed enough hurt i probably would.

i love him. and i can't imagine my life without him. and maybe that should be all that matters. but there are so many undefinable and unfilled factors. i have questions, like where are we going (the same direction?), what are we doing with our lives and is he really the right one, or is he just the one that's here. my main reason for even broaching that train of thought is that he's my first for-real-adult-serious boyfriend. (not to discount the boy, but really that was all very young and naive -- we were not realistic in anyway with out ideas or future intentions.)so it kind of makes me curious if this really is what love is. im 24 and i don't even know and thats pretty pathetic. i dont know because i have nothing to compare it to.

i just need more time to feel all these things out. i know he's getting antsy because its almost 2.5 years and he doesn't want to be wasting his time, which is understandable. but i wouldn't really call it a waste. if it doesn't work out it's at least a learning experience. this is also his first mostly successful relationship. and at least we got to spend this much time together while being relatively happy.

at the same time its just so impatient and immature to try and pressure me into it that it makes me want to say yes that much less.

i just wish i knew if it was the right thing. then again, i guess nobody knows until they make the decision.