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B
2010-10-13

I was always jealous of B.

for a lot of reasons. From confidence right down to genetics. I�m not really sure how the friendship started. All I know is by kindergarten we were inseparable. We would do EVERYTHING together. People weren�t sure where one of us ended and the other one started. We were both brown-haired brown eyed and partially asian. ( I am a � Japanese and she is � Chinese.) They constantly called us by the others name. And we loved it. we even purposely dressed alike. We both came from families with brothers so having each other was that much more important.

I can�t really remember the first time I was jealous of her either. But I do remember a lot of isolated incidents and then it finally grew to general envy. The first one I specifically remember is being jealous over a color. we had matching outfits. They were a shirt with a hood and matching shorts with sunflowers. I had the pink and she had the blue. We both wanted the blue. Pink was uncool and girly, while blue was cool and tomboy. She got the blue because she always got her way. Because she never backed down and I always would. And if I wouldn�t her mom would push too, so I had to.

I hated how she always had the cool stuff, and did cool things. She always had the better everything. No matter what it was, her mom made sure it was that way. And in truth she had always been prettier, which led to her being more confident. She never went through that awkward chubby phase I went through, she was always beautiful and wanted.

In high school it got worse. We tried to remain friends but she instantly fell in with the popular people. I did at first but it became clear that I did not have the confidence or the edge. I was a goody goody who didn�t wear makeup and didn�t drink, and wasn�t as pretty and was far too shy. Eventually it led to a huge falling out. B chose status and her group over me. And I never forgave her. I never let her forget it either.

I realize neither one of us was really wrong. High school is a hard time for everyone and you can�t exactly hold anybody accountable for choices made. Plus it was forever ago.

I forgave her a long time ago. I just hope she knows that. Or cares. I�ve tried re connecting with her and she�s been funny and cordial and sweet like she�s always been. But its not the same at all. And I�m pretty sure its way too late. I regret being so hard on her and not remaining better friends.

Anyways. its her birthday. And our distance makes me sad. But I still love her and wish her the best.

anyways, i think the point i was trying to make was Happy Birthday B. And despite all the bullshit I miss you.

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