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let the wine flow
2010-11-18

the boy has been drunkenly texting me at 2 in the morning. while i knew this was coming, understandably it does not bode well with dan. i knew it was coming because the boy has just broken up with his girlfriend of five years. i also knew it was coming because the boy is a male version of myself who is absolutely needy while drunk and will result to anyone who once showed love for them when desperate and drowning in wine. I haven't responded and i find it silly he finds these texts acceptable, yet i still feel bad for him. in the end, he is a good guy. and he was engaged to this girl. he doesn't deserve to be alone, at the same time i wish he'd keep me out of it. because i am with somebody else, and even if i wasn't, its still inappropriate. because nothing will ever happen. because even though he can't admit it to his drunken self, neither one of us would want it to.

anyways. while the boy is reaching out desperately dan is retreating. i can't blame him either. i've been grumpy and rude and just wanting to be bymyself. but i go to his house because i know he would throw a fit if i didn't. and i have sex with him because i know he would throw a fit if i didn't. like an actual tantrum. leg kicking sighing silent treatment fit. what can i say. things are slow. i think im bored. but i don't want to give up the only encounter i've had with what i believe is true love. even if it has faded. even if i feel so alone. i wish i felt the way i used to. but i just don't. and is that love aging or is that falling out of love. i'm just not sure because i've never been in a relationship that started off so genuine.

we met at a party. we were set up by friends, he knew, i didnt. he was so fucking cute. and persistant. and i was lonely. my two best friends had gone back to africa and i knew nobody in this town except for acquaintances. my coworker laughed because i didnt make dan play the game very hard when we met. i gave him my number the first time we met but made him wait two weeks till we hung out one on one. i was smitten. and i mean. when we had been going out fo rjust 6 months i could barely breathe with out him. i went to san francisco with my college friends and i didnt even have fun because i just wanted him to be there. and now i don't even want to go over there unless i have to. and sometimes i think breaking it off is the answer. and others i think id be giving up the best hting in y life. the only thing in my life. ever since i left my college in the bay i have been so fucking lonely. i have no friends in this town. and i am not charasmatic. and i am quiet. and i am shy. i do not make friends easily. i make them slowly. and they must be agressive people because i am so passive.

and the whole life i know would be gone would dissapear if we b roke up because my whole life is really his. we hang out with his freinds (who over time have become mine.) and they are who i look to and hang on to. and the only raeson i am surviving here.

he hates me because i am always in a bad mood. but he doesn't understand the kind of tired i am. i doubt he's ever experienced this type of exhaustion. parents, 2 jobs, college, failure and loneliness are a lot to deal with. they drain me. and i love him but i just cant take his shit too. though i know i will.

because i love him. & he's all i have.

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