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ignore the last post
2011-05-13

you can ignore the last post. dan and i broke up.

I honestly don�t know whats wrong with me and why am I incapable of being a good girlfriend. after two guys, y ou need to realize its you and not them. The only answer I can come on is that its just out of being entirely selfish. Dan and the boy both broke up with me over very similar things. Mainly as the relationship wore on i was unable to be affectionate, intimate and/or even nice unless inebriated.

Why is it the closer you get to me, the more toxic of a person I become? I feel like the people that love me the most like me the least. Dan put lot of effort in to be nice to me and make me happy. And hes right. I was just kind of indifferent & superbly selfish. And dan is a really great fucking guy. He doesn�t have the crazy emotional problems the boy did. He�s just good. And he deserves someone better. And someone who loves sex as much as he does.

And that�s part of why I just didn�t resist the break up at all. He just deserves someone better. Someone who appreciates all his shit. I think I�m just so fucking spoiled I cant appreciate genuine effort of small means. He says I just tore him down. And maybe I did. I am just a shrewd bitch.

And I want to fix it. I wish I fixed it before I met him. So I could have been better for him. So I could have thought of how what I said or did had made him feel. Instead of being upset what we were doing wasn�t what I wanted to be doing. And that�s the truth. I got so wrapped up in having my way, I failed to even consider what I was doing to him.

I wish I had treated him better, or at least know I appreciated him. I wish I could walk away from this relationship and be like �well I did the best I could.� But I didn�t. I was lazy and selfish and ungrateful. I don�t even really want to try again. I just want him to have something great with someone whose not so goddamn selfish.

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