this wine made me sleepy & hateful
2011-06-01
Being boring is hard. I want to say what I think and what i feel but i have always been such a fucking people pleasing pushover for as long as I remember. Anytime i say something the least bit controversial or negative I feel really paranoid and go over it again and again in my head how i should have just kept my mouth shut. and vow to keep it shut the next time. the next 10 times. & I do. any burst of emotion from me and people freak out. i am supposed to be bland, and quiet. I am supposed to bore you unless i grew up with you or have known you for the last 4 years, then i am obnoxious and overly talkative. annoying really. but i like that more than being boring all the time. i hate how quiet i am. yet i can't fix it. and I'm fucking horrible at small talk. I mean I still haven't figured it out. what exactly do you talk to people about that you don't know at all?then again my dad is 60 and is still really bad at it. maybe there is no hope for me.
Also, I will do anything to avoid confrontation, and yes. that means YOU will get your way. and you do. always.
I never realized how much stuff i was being pushed into until talking to your friend last night. I don't really want to move in with you. If i do move in, I don't want to move into that house. it is tiny and you want it because it is the first and ONLY house you have looked at because, you are incredibly lazy. in the same way you ended up with a shitty car, because you were too lazy to actually look for one, and took the first one presented to you. I don't want a giant dog. actually I voiced this opinion multiple times and you have chosen to ignore me. why speak at all? You will not support my quest for a healthier life. You continue to buy bad food and offer it to me even though I have asked you not to repeatedly. To insist we eat together, and then offer fast food as the only option. I felt beautiful on occasion once. now I feel bloated and pale. always.
Even if i try to tell you you don't listen, and its hard enough for me to say anything at all. I know that around certain people (especially males) I am very boring. and that fact was presented to me. and it hurt. at the same time the fact that I could be prettier if i took better care of myself was also presented to me in a year of some peoples heart wrenching honesty. The physical was easier to work on. so that's what i did. I ran, I tanned,I ate better, I got a prescription acne cream. i built false confidence.
but i am still boring. and attention still makes me nervous. i still prefer to fade in the background, its a relief even. and maybe that's why its upsets me so much that i've gained weight, because weight loss is one of the few self betterments i have actually achieved. or even set out for.
& instead of working on yourself, when it hurts or you feel low. its just easier to throw yourself into shopping and watch all the money go away and gain materiel things because you can't retain friends or a personality.
holy shit i sound pathetic. i dont know where i was going with this when i started.
fucking wine.
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