and damn, do i feel old. not just in the weepy im mid twenties kind of a way, but in the my body really hurts kind of way. my knees are killing me, my feet, and even my neck. and every time I turn a weird way or move quickly it hurts! jesus. this must be what its like to be 50. why am i falling apart? I guess because i'm not taking care of myself.

i've also just been so busy, even on days off. still doing the second job at the bar, its finally busy again, so im finally making good money again. reminding me why I even hung on to that stupid job.

Dan & I have been busy. running around for his birthday (had a party at his place again.) and his mom's. we drove his mom and his family/friends to their campsite and hung out a few hours at the lake, but we had to leave because i had work at the bar that night. It was actually really nice, and was just dying to stay. it's so relaxing and beautiful out there. nothing to do but make your own fun, and no phone reception. which could be annoying, but also really freeing. so now dan and i are itching to go camping, probably have to wait for summer. fingers crossed for big sur :)

now that i've graduated i had all these grand plans and my parent's support for them, yet none of them have actually materialized. thats ok, i don't want ot push them on things i feel like i don't really deserve. I mean graduating from a state college after 3 years at a private one and 3 years at a state one is no great feat.

I still want to do spain, but i'm still torn between dan & going. my feelings haven't changed on the fact i feel like i have to pick one or the other, and i hate feeling that way. thats one of my big dan issues. if i want to move on from this place/life (god knows i do) somehow i feel like he must be left here too. its not just his literal refusal to move anywhere else, its also his job and lack of options that terrify me.

J is moving to the city and i'm so damn excited. I love having him nearby, plus i love love love the city. i told j a bit about the dan and moving dichotomy. i know he spilled to mom though. she had that whole prying in her "incognito" way. she's really obvious, but she likes to think she's sly, so we just let her. she feels like were grown adults so shouldn't pry or clearly assert her opinion, but she just can't help herself. moms will be moms.

i guess im a little heavy on the dan issues today. but i talk about most of my problems to dan, so these are ones i cant exactly express to him in the words that first come to my mind. and so these are the ones that want to spill out.

i keep putting off moving in with dan. first it was september, then october, now im trying to move it to jan. I don't know. i just don't want to move in. because i'm not sure where i am in my life. and it's like if you move in, then want to move out, there's no way he won't be offended or feel like its the end of a relationship. i also love spending a few days with him and that being able to just go and chill out on my own & have a break.

i don't know.i DO know i need to get off my ass and get a new job. this one is wiping me out. and it should NOT be this stressful. this job should be pretty mindless but has become a super high stress situation for me. my manager is just SUCH a control freak/micro manager, and makes a huge deal out of everything, it just makes me (and everyone else in the branch) pretty miserable.

i don't know why i'm so reluctant to move on. I guess i'm scared i won't get a good job, scared to grow up and be on my own, and even more afraid of what it could mean for dan & i.