there's really only two ways that its done. one is understated and minimalistic, but you know it is there through action & just knowing. i start relationships off like a normal person, but as the relationship goes i turn into my father somewhere along the way. after a while the partner becomes unsure about my love or its existence. the only times i am vocal about it is when im intoxicated, or its one time in a card on some birthday or occasion. it took me along time to realize that was how i expressed loved..which was rarely. But after many complaints, it was hard to ignore. It also is the reason that at the beginning of relationships, the other person's vocal declarations or just letting me know they care, mean more than they probably should. Because to someone like me, those take a lot to do, and you have to really give a fuck to be able to venture into such vulnerability. Apparently, this is not true for all people. words of love and appreciation come easily for some people. For some people, they don't even have to care about you all that much to say they do. And this always trips me up. On the other hand, as the relationship progresses and these declarations continue, they make me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. so no, you can not win.

It's also responsible for my favorite part of new relationships. the moment when you realize someone likes you more as a friend, but have not vocalized it or addressed it any way. you just know through actions and clues. I guess for me that is the way love is most familiar and real.

The other way i learned to show love is through my reactions and relationship with my mother. which is by giving in, or giving the other person whatever they want. somehow that has translated "i love you." Being a shy person, i gravitate towards strong personalities. And they are demanding and sometimes controlling. Much like my mother. So i give and give and give you what you want. Because that is what you want and will make you happy, and make me feel like i am expressing my love. This then results in eventual bitterness and resentment from me, even if i know you are only wanting the best for me. I also have the inclination to spoil the crap out of children and puppies, when i know this is not the best for them & they need more discipline, but i can't help it.

The first kind of love makes my partners unhappy, & the second makes me unhappy.

its no wonder i'm alone.