It was really nice to see my aunt, growing up she was always my favorite because she absolutely did not give a fuck, and cussed up a storm, which i always found to be so cool when i was smaller. She's still my favorite aunt, but mostly because she is such a caring and loving person, and she actually does give a fuck, with her i don't give a fuck attitude. I also find the way she cares for her kids and family and her expression of love so different from my own moms, but just as nice (sometimes even nicer, makes me kind of jealous). I also love her honesty. She is a no bullshit kind of lady. and she treats us like adults. I don't know hwy, but my parents never tell me or my brothers anything. we have no idea why alot of things in our family and lives have happened. The just never explained it. My Aunt took the time to explain some stuff my brothers and I have been wondering about our family for a while. It's nice to have people actually tell you things.

At the same time i feel so bad she is having such a huge life struggle with the things going on in her life, and I hope things get easier on her. I hope my cousins step up and help her out more. I'm going back out to see her once i get back from Spain, to have some girl time, and hopefully distract her from everything. Her being such a natural caregiver is always great for those being cared for. But now that she has two very sick family members (her mom is very old and lived with her for 11 years, and my uncle broke his neck a few years back and never recovered fully,) plus she is working full time and has two grown kids still in her house, i worry about her. as much as she loves being a giver, you can only give so damn much.

Anyways, I managed to not talk to Dan at all which is always questionable when vodka is involved. and there was alot of vodka. I did call him today though, he hung up on me on the second ring, though.

I didn't want to call him. But i felt so alone. The person I was supposed to hang out with today cancelled on me, as did the guy i was talking to and said we might do something. (well i actually missed his call but he didn't return my call when i called him back so???) Anyways, I then called one of my friends who I am going to be a bridesmaid for, and we barely got to talk because she was in the middle of something. Called my other best friend and she didn't pick up. I don't know what it was but i felt this sense that my new found loneliness and the fact that I've been in touch with them so much with lack of better connections, that i was driving them crazy and being annoying. I got all insecure and felt super alone. and once i start to go down i sink until i am at the bottom.

so i called dan (not that he picked me up as expected and agreed). but i just felt desperate and needed someone to keep me afloat.

anyways. i was just being crazy, both of the girls called me back. i just haven't felt so lonely and the lack of close friends has never been so pronounced.

clearly this is all that i talk about in here lately, which is tiring. but somehow its the only thing i want to write about...