i know i need to focus on being ok with myself. and work on me and rediscover and rework all that shit that was shoved to the side to make room for dan. i feel like i forgot how to be alone. or how to even attempt to improve and focus on being happy as me.

i want to be happy and feel whole with just myself again but somehow it just doesn't feel that way. it's like, dan made space for himself in a place that didn't even know it had room for him. he eroded my will and my ventricles and arteries away until he fit. as they become accustomed to him they grew around him and through him, and soon he was as much as apart of my heart as they. and now he's gone and im trying to rework myself and repair and my heart hurts at the effort and murmurs and groans with the sheer energy it takes to try and function normally without him.

i understand that i left him. but i never realized what a huge part of my life he was. sometimes i wonder if I made the right decision in letting it go. i'm also extremely disheartened by the quality of men that seem to be out there, like Dan was the only good one. i know at this point my friends would yell at me and say DAN IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE HE IS JUST COMFORTABLE. and then they would berate me because and remind me that i work at a bar, and most men are not that terrible.

It's not even just the bar though. it's everywhere men just seem to be assholes. and i feel like i'm totally screwed.

luckily i am starting this awesome new relationship with myself, and hopefully the fact that the entire sex of men seems to be a colossal disappointment, won't matter.