But. it's not all bad either. That fact being completely undeniable and in my face has meant good things because it means that i can confront whoever that person is. I don't like that person. they are weak and insecure and needy. they think things over so much in their head and turn ideas over so much they transform those ideas from what they were to something entirely different that isn't even real.

so. i'm faced with me, and all these things i don't like about myself. and i am working on them. and i am being consciousnesses of my own actions and my own misgivings and it feels good to finally even pay attention to those things.even if i don't like alot of them. I have this bad habit of just doing whatever i feel like, just going with the flow...and now. I need to make deliberate steps and decisions about myself. gain some fucking intention and conviction. and just fix the things i hate about myself instead of just keeping on and hating them.

The biggest thing lately is letting things go. I am working on it, and i'm not great at it, but i am definitely better. its hard to think so damn much about fucking everything. it used to drive dan crazy, and he only heard the .01 % of it that i actually vocalized.

sometimes you can be told something a million time. and i guess, sometimes the million and 1st time, it actually clicks in. because people have always told me i need to learn to let shit go. but my next question was how? and then i would over think it. i know its probably pretty silly but a tupac quote has helped me on this front. "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

in Rome my dad and I had some nice talks. he said the over thinking, social anxiety and awkwardness, they are all inherited things.they are especially prevalent in him, me, and J. while it sucks that we all deal with them, its kinda nice we all struggling through them together.

i love my family. i love life. one day i will love me. i look forward to that day i look forward to becoming whoever it is that i can be okay with it. and i love that it may be slow, but i'm definitely making steps toward that persown.

what a fucking relief.